America reflects

Turning back to reflect on the two decade engagement with the deadly blind date known as Iraq, America today paused to comment briefly on just how far the fractured nation has come merely within the span of an average Iraqi citizen's expected adult lifetime. "It was a relationship with a country that's always had a bad reputation," America said with a bitter, knowing laugh, "but I went in to it with my eyes wide open, thinking I could be the one to make a difference. Yeah, me and half the rest of the Western world. Yeah.. We used to be the coalition of the willing, but I'd be willing to have half a lobotomy if I could erase the past twenty years." "Whatever," said Prime Minister Nuri Maliki, who likely won a second term in the weekend's oft-bombed elections. "Normally, the beautiful days in life come after fatigue and difficulties. The difficult labor produces a more beloved result. So pack up the rest of your things and leave, and don't let the door hit you you where the good Lord split you." Few will miss the disharmonious relationship. "Guess I can scratch this one off my bucket list," said President Obama, relieved to find that not a single scary Republican was calling him a coward for continuing the withdrawal as planned. "Iraq used to be a nation where citizens were unable to map out their own sorry lifelines, constrained as they were by the whims of a cruel dictator who would blow their asses to hell if they dared to eviscerate their neighbor. Now they are a free people who can slaughter each other as they freely choose. God bless Iraq, or maybe I should say Allah bless Iraq, and God bless the United States of America." "I guess it was my surge that sealed this deal," said failed politician/human-being John McCain, "but I don't want to be hording credit at a time like this. It's time for American troops to be heading home - well, not for home, but for Afghanistan, a place that seems much closer to home, if like me, you're a senile old coot running for reelection in the great state of Arizona. God bless me, and God bless the United States of America." "I kind of wish we still had Iraq as a buffer state against Iran," opined Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "But if wishes were horses, then beggars could fly free on United Airlines. I'm not making any sense, am I? Well, neither has our foreign policy for the past decade, and all I can say is, God bless the military-industrial complex, and God bless the United States of America." "I suppose I agree with most of what Secretary Gates said," added Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "Iraq used to be a very useful buffer state. Even Ronald Reagan understood that much. My Husband, when he was president, tried to keep Iraq at arms length, but in the end he was just the ham and cheese in the middle of the Bush sandwich. Jeez, that's an unfortunate choice of metaphor, but I guess what I mean to say is that it's been a confused time in our nation's history, but nevertheless, God bless the United States of America." "Blah, blah blah," said America. " "I wouldn't say I've been confused as much as immature. You've got to keep in mind that I'm still a relatively young country. China, India, they've been around the block a few times. Me, I'm impulsive. Even though I say I'm on the straight and narrow, I'll probably end up getting in another crazy relationship before you know it."