Thursday, April 29, 2010

A FGAQ Exclusive!

In this exclusive excerpt from his forthcoming memoirs, George Bush describes one of his rare misunderestimates.

I know I've spent a lot of this book talking bout how I've been deceived and manipulated by just about everyone from Vlad Putin to Hank Paulson to my own daddy, and you're probably surprised that after all the chicanery I've endured I'm not more of a cynical man. Shoot, even Barney has been know to try and put one over on me from time to time. But even though the title of my book is 'Not My Fault', I've got to come clean and say that's only true in the majority of the time. Fact is, there are times I've even manage to fool myself.

I first met Hariet Miers back in Austin back in 1989. It was a party at my old buddy Nate Hecht's place and Hariet was Nate's arm candy. At least that's the way he saw it. Hariet pined away for that guy for years and years, eventually becoming an old maid in the process.

Anyway, I had quit drinking three years earlier when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior, so needless to say I wasn't having any fun. I mean, I'd have fun sometimes, just not at parties, cause I'd be coveting everybody's margaritas and be sitting there with a diet Coke and a handful of chips. Shoot, even Laura would have a glass of wine. She didn't cut me a bit of slack, so I started talkin to Hariet to try and make Laura jealous, and found out she was born again too. And she was Texan through and through, just like I imagine myself to be. I didn't make Laura jealous, but I did meet the woman who would become my own personal lawyer.

It's crazy that a president would have to have his own personal lawyer, isn't it? But you know, when someone gets duped and deceived with the frequency that I do, it's mighty comforting to have someone watching your back. I take a lot of personal pride in the fact that I never once got impeached, and I think a lot of the credit goes straight to Hariet. I kinda wanted to make her my Attorney General, but I realized that if I did, there'd be other demands on her time, so I gave that job to Gonzo. Maybe that hurt her feelings, I don't know, all I can say is that she never missed an opportunity to make Mexican jokes. Not very Christian, I'll admit, but pretty darn funny.

Well, when Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement from the Supreme Court, I was in a real quandary about who to nominate. You'd think I'd have a lot of people to ask for advice but I didn't. I was mad at just about everyone in Congress for one reason or another, particularly their refusal to privatize Social Security. I couldn't ask Cheney, cause he would just recommend someone he liked, and most of the people he liked were mean or crazy or both. Turd Blossom had already tricked me into too many bad decisions already, Laura didn't have any opinion, and Barney couldn't talk. So I asked Hariet. She just giggled and said "I don't know, why don't you just nominate me?"

I thought this was a brilliant idea. The Supreme Court only works a few months a year, so the rest of the time she could still work as my personal lawyer. You got to consider, the last person to recommend themselves for the job was Dick Cheney, and you know how well that worked out.

Of course by the time she told me that she had just been kidding, I'd already made the announcement and it was too late. Boy, did I have egg on my face. But a president can't back down, that's a sign of weakness that your enemies will hop on like a trampoline, so we soldiered on. Got her briefed and drilled, had her talk to a everybody in Washington for advice, but it was all to no avail. She didn't understand basic constitutional law concepts, which I never noticed when she was my personal lawyer. I mean, why would I? It was real sad the way all the senators made fun of her, not to mention those comedians on TV. Course, as I realized by then, it was merited. In her own way, Hariet was the first Sarah Palin.

That was one of my biggest mistakes, I'm man enough to admit it. Of course the next person I nominated, Sam Alito, was an absolutely brilliant choice, and America will be thanking me for John Robert for decades to come.

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