Friday, June 11, 2010

Brits getting all twitty on us

"It may seem like a big deal to you," sniffed London's Mayor Boris Johnson, growing a little hot under the collar, "But then, America has never had to live through anything like the Blitz. I was only a wee lad of two back then, but how well I remember the fear and the fury. Even at that young age I understood the feeling that life had changed inextricably, leaving me a wiser but infinitely more solemn wee lad. So when I see you Yankee plonkers acting all gobsmacked just because someone sloshed a little wine on their fancy lace tablecloth, I feel like telling them 'bugger off, you whining wankers'. Really, that's the truth of it."

Yes, it may be hard for most Americans to understand, but the Brits are getting sick and tired of hearing us talk trash about their beloved British Petroleum, the corporation responsible for 13 percent of all dividends paid to pension funds and investors.

"When you consider the huge exposure of British pension funds to BP, it starts to be a bit of a concern if a great British company is being continually chundered on by vulgar American politicians and the barmy twaddle in their media. You know, when I was only a wee lad of two during the Blitz, my mother had her left foot blown off by a bloody V2 rocket one morning when she ventured out of the flat in an effort to procure a bottle of milk for my nourishment, and she returned with that milk, never spilling a drop. How do you compare that to a little oil in the water? You can't, now can you. I'm afraid that I'll have to agree with Lord Norman Tebbit who called the American response a crude, bigoted, xenophobic display of partisan, political, presidential petulance against a multinational company."

"Well, I didn't actually say that," replied Lord Tebbit, "I wrote it. On deadline for the Telegraph, you can tell it was a bit rushed because I didn't follow through on my alliteration. Right after I filed that bit of commentary it occurred to me that I could have written that the American response was a petty, pretentious, prejudiced presentation of partisan, political, presidential petulance. That packs a wallop, doesn't it? Oh well, no use crying over spilled milk, and you can follow that metaphor wherever you wish."

"At any rate, I hope you do understand that the survival of BP is of vital importance to England, even though I personally dropped it from my portfolio back when this bloody mess began, so you might want to be a tad more sensitive in your rhetoric. But if it will make you feel any better, I am willing to talk badly about Boris Johnson. First off, I call him Boorish Johnson. Funny bit, that, never fails to get a rise out of the old sod. Secondly, he's really not that old. He was born in 1962, so he most assuredly does not remember anything about the Blitz other than what he's seen on the telly. And it was his grandmother Millie, a ten-shilling tart, who was hit by the V2, and her left foot was the only part of the old girl that they ever found. Hope that brightens your day."

1 comment:

  1. Twits? Have I told you how much I love twits? Also, ass.