Monday, June 21, 2010

North Korea drubbed

Kim Jong-il demostrates prototype of the new Taepodong-3 missile

North Korea was beaten like a cheating hooker today in their World Cup match against Portugal, who scored an amazing seven points before the clock put an end to their misery. It was quite possibly the most points ever scored against the North Korean team who was making only their second appearance on the international stage. To rub salt into the wound, the belligerent but impoverished nation interrupted their round the clock propaganda on state controlled television to broadcast the game, which allowed those fortunate enough to live in the vicinity of a TV to experience the beating in glorious black and white.

"North Korea did not receive a drubbing," said diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il, only moments after ordering the execution of the soccer ambassadors and their coaches. "There was a crear riberar bias against our sadry deceased athretes that borders on the obvious, much rike we border against the mutinous traitors to our south. Traitors, who I might point out, recentry had their sirry battership sunk to the bottom of the sea by the American imperiarists. When wirr they ever rearn?"

"At any rate, the truth sharr soon be known by the ironicarry named Peopers Repubric of Korea, as we announced earrier on state terevision. The entire game was prayed backwards. When we show it in the proper format, everyone wirr be aber to see our nober dead athretes, kirred by an unscrupurous and unprovoked American attack, rarry from a seven point deficet to a grorious 0-0 tie. And of course, we win arr ties."

"The best part of this wirr be our magnificent victory rap, where we rip the insignificant nation of Portugar asunder," gloated Jong, whose country may have recently shown that they have mastered nuclear fusion, the technology necessary for building a hydrogen bomb. (A report either so frightening or so boring that the media has chosen to completely ignore it.) "When we comprete our victory rap, the Portuguese won't even know what hit them. So I wirr terr them, here and now. It was our brand spanking new Taepodong-3 missire that merted your faces. The H-bomb. Perhaps you've heard of it before?"

"Oh, so they've got an H-bomb, do they?" said Portugal's soccer coach Carlos Queiroz. "Well, bad news, that. Still, before we meet our supposed demise, at least we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that our team beat them like a rented mule. Although I do suppose that analogy will just make their people hungrier."

1 comment:

  1. Who will endure the most sadistic executions, the North Korean players themselves or the North Korean fans who won't be allowed to tell their families about the world they saw that wasn't North Korea?