Sunday, June 13, 2010

Vuvu nation

In an unusual display of global unity, twenty-nine of the thirty-two qualifying nations for the 2010 World Cup are threatening to suspend any further participation in the games unless something is done immediately about the fucking vuvuzelas. The cheap plastic horns, despised by pretty much every nation on earth other than South Africa, have created such a deafening racket that any communication between players and officials has been rendered impossible, and television viewership of the games has dropped by a disastrous 87 percent.

Vuvuzelas occupy a rather unique niche in the musical world by virtue of their ability to play only one note (B flat, if you care), and the fact that it takes no musical skill or dexterity whatsoever in order to master one. Even one vuvuzela can be quite irritating, but when blown in semi-unison by several thousand maniacal soccer fans inside of a stadium the sound is much like a 747 made out of angry bees during take-off.

French captain Patrice Evra blamed the insufferable din of the vuvuzelas for his teams inability to kick Uruguay's ass. (Of course, this was the same excuse used by every team thus far who has failed to achieve a glorious victory.)

"We can't sleep at night because of the fucking vuvuzelas," said Evra shortly before being fined by officials for saying the f-word. "People start playing them - if you wish to call it playing - from six a.m. We can't hear one another out on the pitch because of them. Prepare to double my fine, Mr Official, because I'm ready to gather my players and get the fuck out of here."

Organizing committee executive Danny Jordaan, sensitive of the impact that a tournament which consists solely of South Africa, Cameroon, and North Korea might have on the prestige of the World Cup, is considering the possibility of a ban on the vuvuzelas. He has already urged fans not to blow them during a team's national anthem, a request that Patrice Evan called 'a big fucking deal'. He has also indicated that he might be forced into action if fans begin to use the horrible horns as weapons.

"I'm afraid he's running a bit late on that," said Johannesburg police captain Thad Andrews. "Our local emergency rooms have already treated more than four dozen fans who had to have vuvuzelas removed from their ass."

1 comment:

  1. Amidst all the cheap laughs, Mark, you manage to slip in some really useful information. Thanks!