Friday, July 30, 2010


North Korean women's team celebrate the firing of Kim Jong-hun

Due to the declining health of Kim Jong-il and the transition of power to his son Kim Jong-un, it's been an anxious period for the North Korean Soccer team that shamed the nation in the 2010 World Cup. It took a few weeks, but justice has finally been dispensed. In a surprise to all concerned, the disgraced players were treated almost mercifully, and the coach remains alive and thus far untortured.

"I was very frightened when we were ordered onto the stage at the People's Palace of Culture," said Ri Kwang-Chon. "After all, we had humiliated our Beloved Leader in front of the world, so I was ready to accept my fate. I even made out my will, leaving my small bag of turnips and my extra socks to my brother Kim. The room was packed with government officials, and when I saw the Minister of Sports Pak Myong-choi, I was prepared for the worst. But then who should appear but Pak In-Guk, my favorite sports announcer. I relaxed right away because I knew a man like Pak could never be the instrument of my demise."

Instead, In-Guk presided over a six-hour long torrent of verbal humiliation, which concluded with a special roast of hapless Coach Kim Jong-hun.

"The insults they hurled were sharp indeed, each one more richly deserved than the previous," claimed Kwang-Chon. "Their criticism was surprisingly devastating considering the fact that I had thought myself to have no more self-esteem to lose. I feel I owe the officials an apology for the way I made them strain their voices. But after only a few hours, they stopped the torment and showed us a curious kindness, asking me and my teammates to castigate our coach. This was an opportunity we seized with relish, for if Kim Jong-hun had been a coach of any merit, we surely would not have been such pathetic worms. I do not have the sharpest of tongues, but I tried to the best of my ability to carve that son of a dog a new asshole."

"Things could have been a lot worse," said Jong-hun. "Indeed they should have been, for I am a true slug of a coach. The words of my players hurt, it's true, but it was a cleansing pain that I felt. I probably was not even sufficiently humiliated when they stripped me of my job as coach and the women's soccer team did the Pyongyang Happy Dance. I accepted the shovel for my new job with true gratitude, and asked myself 'Is that all there is?' It is truly a new day. The old Kim Jong-il... he would have kirred me. He would have annihirated me. He would have torn me rimb from rimb. He would... Uh, please, you're not going to report this, are you?"

1 comment:

  1. This is a great way to prevent young people from fantasizing about growing up to be athletes and other types of medi whores. Kudos, Jong-un. Or, am I supposed to humiliate. I always get that mixed up. Obviously, I'd be a horrid world leader.