Fried Green al-Qaedas: The Breakfast Club, Part 5: Welcome to the New World Order

Part 1........Part 2......Part 3.....Part 4

Good morning, young Eric! The Magical Mystery Tour is coming to take you away.

Thanks, Professor, nice of you to offer me a ride to Robertson's place. I was... uh oh, you. You're not here for another bailout, are you? Because I really caught hell for my TARP vote.

Heavens no, Mister Cantor. Goldman Sachs repaid that ages ago. As a matter of fact, I'm here with Mister Gingrich to discuss the possibility of offering you a generous bit of assistance.

He's riding with us out to Robertson's, Eric. Mister Blankfein is an outstanding gentleman, and I'm sure you'll find his assistance can be virtually unlimited.

Thanks to the Supreme Court, that's truer than ever. Now hop in my limo and let's head on down to the pancake house.

...you know, I don't believe I've ever been in a car with a ride this smooth before. And these seats! This must be that fine Corinthian leather that I used to hear about when I was a kid.

Indeed it is. I can tell you're a man who appreciates the finer thing in life, Mister Cantor. I'm sure a man such as yourself can hardly be content with remaining a number two...

True, but from what you and Mister Gingrich have been telling me, there's no doubt that with your assistance we're going to take the House back, and then with Boehner as Speaker, I guess I'll be the Majority Leader. I mean, technically that's still a number two, but it'll still be a really big step up for a young gun like me.

Think about that for a moment, Cantor. With a Republican majority, you'll find yourself in a much bigger pool, one in which Boehner will be number three behind Obama and Biden. The pro tempore of the Senate is number four, and then the rest of the top dogs are cabinet members. You not only will no longer be number two in the big pool, you won't even be on the list. Two words - Steney Hoyer.

You deserve better than that, Mister Cantor, much better. You deserve fine Corinthian leather, and an Air Force Gulfstream C-20B to shuttle you about.

Well I hardly see the sense in that. It's less than a two hour drive from my office to my house in Richmond. Besides, how would I get a Gulfstream C-20B?

The Speaker of the House has one of those at their command, young Eric. Listen, don't get the wrong idea. John Boehner has been very useful to the cause and we're both quite fond of him.

At the same time, it's quite clear that he's reached his pinnacle, while you still have room to grow. And then there's the sad reality of Mister Boehner's health. He is a heavy smoker, and with the way he tans, his body is a fertile breeding ground for cancer. That is, if his liver doesn't get him first. He's quite the drinker, you know.

So... You guys think I should challenge him for Speaker? I'll have to admit, I have been playing around with the idea. I think we need more young guns in leadership.

Indeed we do. Mister Cantor. And I'm pleased to say that if you're interested, I'll be there behind the scenes to help and make it happen.

Five days earlier...

Reese, please get Mister Boehner and Mister Blankfein another scotch, and another iced tea for Mister Romney. Mister Koch and Mister Koch, are you sticking with coffee?

No, Krauthammer, we're ready for something stronger. Double espresso, extra strong, with a Red Bull chaser.

And I'll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Now to business. As you my have surmised, Monsieurs Boehner and Romney, I am the spokesman for a group of businessmen and corporate officers who are committed to the task of pulling our great nation back from the edge of the Socialist abyss at which it teeters.

Amen to that. I couldn't agree more, and I was on board from that first meeting at Robertson's house as soon as I learned that your group was going to fund a Republican takeover.

And now you're going to learn a little more detail, Mister Romney. You see, we are in essence a grass roots organization, and much as Mister Svanberg and Ms Whitman recruited you, we would like to be able to rely on you to bring in others. Now in order for you to...

Uh, question Mister Krauthammer... I don't know anybody named Svanberg.

First off, it's not Mister Krauthammer, it's just plain Krauthammer. Secondly, that was not a question, it was a statement. And Mister Svanberg didn't recruit you so the fact that you don't know him is irrelevant. Now as I was saying, in order for you to effectively work with us in an expanded role, there are things you need to understand. A few words, Mister Blankfein.

Thank you, Krauthammer. At this point in time, there is a striking lack of understanding among the American people of how vital corporate interests are to the public interests, and how closely the two are intertwined. In the past, people were justifiably proud of their corporations and understood the virtue of yielding to their higher wisdom. Today, at long last, the conservative movement is within reach of helping us to return to...

Hey, our drinks are here! Go ahead and put me in for another, Miss.

...and the immense institutional knowledge of the corporate mind ends up being vastly underutilized in the public sector. After all, who better knows the business of governing than those who govern business? Who better knows how to deal with the nation's economy than those who have built economies of scale? I believe you understand that quite well, don't you, Mister Romney? You had quite a nice string of successful leveraged buyouts when you ran Bain Capital.

Oh boy, did he ever. During the time he was the head of Bain they had a rate of return on realized investments of something like 120 percent.

It was only 113 percent, but thank you for noticing. The thing is, the skills I learned in business - even in my highly successful stint as CEO for the 2002 Olympics - didn't really transition all that well into the political world like I thought they would, until I came to the important realization that the real job of a leader was to lead, not to try and dream up policy.

Me, I was at Nucite Sales for a few years, worked my way up to President... Nucite Sales, it was a small packaging and plastics business in Cincinnati... Can I have another drink, please?

Ahem... As Mister Romney so astutely put it, politicians really do not have a role to play in policy, other than to try and choose their policy advisers wisely. Thankfully, the Republicans have been doing just that. But a word of warning - the cake is almost baked.

Cake? Oh, that's good, although I'd really prefer a sandwich. All I had for breakfast was a Pop Tart and it's way past my lunchtime, and to be honest I'm starting to feel a little...

That was a metaphor, John.

A petit four? I know what that is, Mitt Romney. I've been to my share of Washington fancy pants parties, too. I don't really give a shit what they serve for snacks as long as I get something in my belly.

What Krauthammer was attempting to say is that our 2010 involvement is largely finished. The rich are angry and the rabble are roused by the righteousness of their plight, so whatever will be will be. We are now focusing on laying the foundation for our 2012 takeover.

Yes we can, yes we can, get on board with the New World Order!

So few people truly understand the New World Order. If they think of it at all it's in terms of some shadowy conspiracy into which they project their individual fears and insecurities, so naturally adherents to the concept come off as a bit unhinged. They do, however, understand the basic premise correctly - the New World Order is in effect a One World Government. And as you should be able to deduce by now, the New World Order very much exists as the One World Government of the multinational corporation.

So let me see if I understand where you're going with this. Your next phase is ensuring the empowerment of politicians who will completely submit to your will. I am so psyched!

As I knew you would be, Mister Romney. As I knew you would be.

Well, I'm not going to submit to anybody's will. I'm going to be Speaker, Speaker of the House!

Perhaps, Mister Boehner, but I am Speaker for this House, and at the moment, this is the only House that matters. You need to understand that clearly. You need to understand exactly who it is that you work for, who you've always worked for... Reese, get Mister Boehner another drink. Make it a double.

And some chicken wings.

Welcome aboard, Mister Romney. I look forward to a long and mutually rewarding relationship. Mister Blankfein will finish your processing and see you out.

Thank you, Krauthammer, I won't let you down.

What's next, Mister Blankfein?

We just need to do your retinal scan and you'll be an official member of The Breakfast Club. Then you're welcome to stay and mingle, and when you're ready to leave, we'll see to your transportation.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Should I wake up the drunk, Mister Blankfein?

No, Reese, Dante can take care of him later. Just put the Dugan Bag on his head and let him sleep.

Come along, Mister Romney, let's be on our way.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Back to today...

That's Robertson's house, young Eric, right up at the end of the street. Hope you don't mind if we let you out here and arrange a driver for your return home.

Oh. You guys aren't coming in?

No, we're not, Mister Cantor. Democratic operatives have been scoping it out, and we've already been seen there twice. You know what they say - two times is a coincidence, three times is a pattern.

That's... very wise. Okay, well thanks for the ride, and I'm going to give your offer a lot of thought.

Quick, Sarah! Get on the other side of the bush! A car just stopped up the block with Newt Gingrich and that Blankfein guy in it... They're letting somebody out of the back.

Oh that's, uh... Eric Cantor. This is so weird.

You bet it's weird, and seeing Newt and Blankfein makes it even weirder. Mitt Romney, Sean Hannity, Karl Rove, Michael Steele, and... who was that other guy?

John Paulson, from Paulson and Company. He made a fortune betting against the housing market. You know, he's a hedge fund manager.

Hee hee hee, you are so funny, Debbie. You said hedge fund manager and here we are hiding behind a hedge. I bet you could...

Hush, Sarah... You're not going to believe this, but George Soros just got out of a car and he seems to be looking right at us.

How very odd... A talking bush.

Here comes the young gun now. Hey, I'd like you to meet someone. This is John Paulson. He's one of your biggest supporters. Literally.

Good to meet you, Eric. Hey, funny story. I bet a friend a million bucks yesterday that this breakfast would blow, but now that I've got a whiff of it, I'm afraid I'll have to write that off as a operating loss.