Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Jong's last splash

What the hell is that insane dictator up to now? That's the question upon everyone's lips today. Nobody even has to ask 'to what insane dictator do you refer', because even though there may be other dictators who are technically more mentally unbalanced - we're looking at you, Robert Mugabe - there are none who wear the, uh, field jacket of insane dictatorship more distinctly or proudly than Beloved Leader Kim Jong-il.
Why would Jong launch such an audacious attack on South Korea, which only now was starting to forgive him for sinking one of their warships and killing 46 sailors back in the long-ago month of March 2010? Why would he shell Yeonpyeong Island, home of the rare and delicious Kumouuri spiced crab as well as twelve hundred South Koreans, setting it ablaze, killing two, injuring nineteen, and sending scores of others running like hell to the ferry in order to get back to the mainland? Why? I mean, other than the fact that he's an insane dictator who loves the taste of Kumouuri crabs and feels that the island is rightfully his?
The Wall Street Journal explains it by saying Jong is a master of brinksmanship, which is simply a kinder way of saying that he's an insane dictator, and we already established that fact in our first rhetorical question.
The Financial Times tells us that Jong is playing poker, and this was his second ace; the first, of course, was the insane decision to show off North Korea's new uranium enrichment facility. Why play these two cards they ask, before proceeding to treat us to all manner of entertaining poker analogies, concluding with the wish that the West has more in it's hand than a broken flush.
The New York Times explains that Jong blames South Korea for the attacks. Of course he does - he's an insane dictator, and that's just the way they are. And while it's true that the South was staging military actions in the vicinity of Jong's country, Pyongyang was informed, and there is the inconvenient fact that South Korea is very much in the vicinity of North Korea.
What everyone in the press is quick to point out is the fact that Jong is a miserable, disease-ridden sack of shit who's just about ready to pack it in after two decades of keeping his people on a starvation diet while pursuing his dreams of military glory, all of which he is expected to pass along to his Westernized son, the adorable Kim 'Babyface' Jong-un. Perhaps, in his own insane way, Jong is trying to set the stage for Lil' Kim. This was certainly suggested in an interview with Steve Doocy that was taped last Thursday, but bumped to make room for FOX's continuing coverage of TSA junk touching.

"I am sick and I am not aging gracefury," Jong explained to Doocy . "Nor do I intend to do so. If I can pass any personar rife ressons to my son about how the worrd rearry works, then maybe he won't disgrace me as badry as I fear."
"But rearry, there's my regacy to think of. I want peoper to remember me the way I was, a man who would just as soon annihirate them as give them the time of day. There's a poem, Steve, maybe you know it - Do not go genter into that good night, ode age should burn and rave at crose of day; rage, rage against the dying of the right... One rast internationar incident, that's arr I ask, one rast sprash."


  1. I always love astute comments from the insane dictator himself, and arguments that conclude with "we already established that fact in our first rhetorical question." You can't argue with that.

  2. Our ally, according to Miss Sarah, Dyslexic-Biker-gal-in Chief-to-be. North, South--whatevvah. We've got to offer them our unremitigable support