| Tensions were dramatically lowered on the Korean peninsula early today when South Korea's President Lee received an unexpected missive from insane dictator Kim Jong-il. "Happy holidays from the fun and freedom loving citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," it read. "You've been punked." |
Suddenly and without a word of warning, North Korea had backed down from it's pledge to inflict "brutal consequences beyond imagination" upon South Korea. They just didn't "feel any need" to respond to the South's silly military actions since they recognized them for what they truly were - "nothing but a childish play" for attention. Not only that, but the south was just "firing shells left unused during the military provocation on Nov. 23 - you know, the one where we blew up their island."
"Well, those guys really dodged a bullet this time," said President Lee. "If North Korea had subjected us to brutal consequences beyond imagination, we would have retaliated big time. There's no telling what we might have done. I know we've talked about responding to their attacks in the past, but we've had about enough and this time we really meant it. Maybe the ferocity with which our military was firing our missiles into the Yellow Sea frightened them, I don't know. It sure as hell scared some of the bluefin tuna."
North Korea wasted no time in trumpeting the remarkable diplomacy they showed by refraining from inflicting brutal consequences beyond imagination upon the South, calling upon the world to recognize "who is the real supporter of peace and who is the real provocateur of a war."
"It's true that I'm a South Korean," said United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, "but today I must speak out in my role as a representative for the entire world and say Stick it up your ass, Jong. You bet we recognize who the real provocateur is."
Aside from their own love of diplomacy, North Korea had another more practical reason to avoid conflict at the moment, it's realization of America's insidious plot to use "South Korea's military provocation" to force the North into a war that would save the U.S. from bankruptcy.
"Damn, I can't believe they figured it out," said a disappointed President Obama. "Those guys really are the sharpest tools in the shed. I was going to call it Stimulus II, because if the last ten years have proven anything, it's what a beneficial effect a couple of good wars can have on the economy. Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
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