City of slumping shoulders

It is a city that has seen too much too quickly, and now must attempt to make sense of the altered landscape that lies before it. Chicago, once renowned as hog butcher of the world, tool maker, and stacker of wheat, has now become the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.   "Twenty four hours of hell," is how Chicago native Janet Paronski describes it, and surely she would be correct if only hell was colder than a motherfucker rather than a region reportedly hotter than Miami.   "Valid point," concedes Ms Paronski, "but that just makes our torment worse. The Bears... How could they dash our hopes like this? Chicago believed again, and then to be undone like this by the unspeakable Green Bay cheeseheads. I mean, do you know how humiliating it is to see your dreams of glory decimated by people who think cheddar is proper headgear? Although I guess I should put the blame where it's due, on the quarterback. Jay Cutler doesn't deserve to be a Bear, leaving in the middle of the game just because he sprained his knee. Chicago didn't use to be a city of sissies."   "Like most people here in Chi-town, I called in sick at work today so I could catch up on my drinking. I really couldn't do much at the game yesterday because my beer kept freezing. But then what happens this morning? I turn on Oprah and find out that she has a half-sister she never knew about. That poor woman. I can't imagine what she's going through. It's got to have Oprah questioning her own existence, and if Oprah can be brought that low, what does it mean for the rest of us?"   "They say that bad things come in threes, and that must be true for Chicago, because I hadn't even had time to digest Oprah's woes when I heard the news bulletin about Rahm, how they've ordered his name off the ballot for mayor. What sort of perverted justice is this, saying he's not a Chicago resident? I see him on the local news all the time. They're messing with my reality. They might as well say that Janet Paronski isn't a Chicagoan. I... I feel a little lightheaded."