Thursday, June 2, 2011

Weinergate: the intrigue continues

In the midst of the most inanely bland political scandal of recent years, there is one fact that cannot be denied - Anthony Weiner is the most honest man in politics. Today he provided yet more fuzzy detail on what has predictably been dubbed Weinergate.
"I don't know what's happened to put me into such an existential dilemma," said the befuddled congressman this afternoon. "Am I guilty, and if so, guilty of what? Being naive? Or perhaps it's my very uncertainty itself that has people talking about my nether regions like they were Sarah Palin's Alaska or something. It's all very confusing. All of a sudden I'm having to answer all these question that are basically unknowable. But here's what we do know - we know for certain that I didn't send this photograph. Well, we don't know that, only I can truly know that, but given my penchant for honesty, you can at least assume it."
"You know, Kant taught us that since reality is filtered through our perceptions, it's basically unknowable. I think that's what he taught us. To be honest, I only got a C in philosophy, but that's what I seem to remember. And when I use my perceptions, to look at this picture, I've got to say that I don't recall having any briefs that looks like these. Am I positive? No I am not. That's why I'm making time on my schedule tonight to look through my underwear drawer. Perhaps I'll be surprised. But I do know for certain that I didn't send this picture, I didn't take this picture, nor have I ever taken a picture of myself in my skivvies. Okay, that's not quite honest. There was this one time back in college when I did get a little drunk and snapped a couple shots, but I destroyed them right after I picked them up from the drugstore. Besides, I used to wear boxers back then."
"I've got to say this was a good prank, however. Someone really punked me good, since I can't even say with certainty that it's not me in the picture. That's because, like I mentioned earlier, I have not yet gone through my underwear drawer. Now if I do find a pair that matches positively with the picture I'll report that back to you via twitter."
"The thing is, just like I think Kant said, we will probably never know the reality of this situation. Because even if I find a pair of matching drawers, I assure you that mine would be in no way unique, so what do we really know? It could be someone simulating my erection, that's certainly a possibility. It's also a possibility that it's not an erection at all. For all I know, it could even be a woman who has something stuffed down there. Like a wiener. Bad example, but it's possible. You know, another real possibility is that my wife Huma could have taken that picture and tweeted it. To be honest, if that was the case, then I would say she was entirely justified in doing so. She's been itching to get even with me ever since I tweeted that funny picture of her stepping out of the shower."


  1. Just FYI you're on fire. Great writing my friend.

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  3. We need people with a good sense of humor at this "double dip" time.

    Don't we?

    Go Weiner!