Tuesday, November 15, 2011

message from X

Was that the voice of God? No, it was just the new CNN poll, confirming that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 12% of the vote. Heaven knows it couldn't have been the new PPP poll that confirms that Rick Perry is firmly ensconced in fourth place with 6% of the vote. That's only half of 12 and 12 is not even half of what it would take to salvage Anita Perry's dream of one day redecorating the Blue Room. God must be messing with old Rick again. He's like that, you know.
The Rick Perry super PAC 'Make Us Great Again' is out with an exciting new radio ad featuring endorsements from two great religious figures - James Dobson, founder of the fundamentalist 'Focus on the Family', and Rush Limbaugh, demi-god of right-wing talk radio. Never mind what they specifically say, you can sum up those sugar plums in your  imagination and fret not a whit about getting it wrong.
Which provides a perfect segue for me to call your attention to a striking piece by Thomas B. Edsall in the Atlantic titled 'Is God Really Telling Rick Perry to Run for President?' What makes it striking is the willingness to assume that Perry is correct in his assertion of celestial supervision, but is tragically inept when it comes to divine interpretation. It makes sense that a man who has trouble with conversational English is also going to have a fair amount of difficulty with Hebrew.
If you're the type to look for transcendental explanations for earthly events, it would be easy to imagine that God has been messaging his thumbs off trying to reach Perry. For example, take a look at this astonishing map.

Can you find Texas on the map? (Hint - it's the part that looks like it's been burnt to a cinder, which is pretty much what happened while Perry prayed for career advice). The regional drought had already been so devastating that Perry issued a gubernatorial proclamation that April 22-24 would officially be 'Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas'. No dice, no rain, and no relief from the record heat and fires that followed for the next four months.
The plague of drought can be brutal and deeply injurious, and the plague of fire consumes both the innocent and the guilty without discretion, but I gotta tell you, the plague of the Nylanderia pubens can push even a patient man to the edge of sanity.

Hordes of Nylanderia pubens (AKA 'Caribbean crazy ants' AKA 'hairy crazy ants') have invaded Texas in unspeakable numbers. They have transformed a state that had become a hellhole into a hellhole swarming with flea sized demons who like nothing better than to bite a Texan where it hurts (which is everywhere). And they're practically indestructible - poison 100,000 and millions take their place, electrocute them and they send in a chemical cue for the others to attack. In short, they can and will ruin your picnic if you happen to be the sort to go for a basket lunch on a 112 degree day.
There are other plagues, of course, such as the plague of the clouded mind and the plague of the plunging polls, but these are Rick Perry specific and thus should be of little concern to the rest of us. So is God really telling Perry to run?
"The man's conceit is ludicrous," said a spokesman for the Deity. "Of course, a lot of those clowns are saying the same thing, but let me tell you something - He believes that anyone who feels that they need to ask His permission to seek political office don't really belong in the race to begin with. Who is Perry listening to? I don't know, but if I were you, the first person I'd check with is His evil arch-enemy."
"Rick Perry? I know the name," responds Beelzebub with a diabolical chuckle. "But have I been talking to him? Forget about it, the man won't listen to anyone. And you know, I've been super busy in the Middle East over the past year, so American politics has barely been on my radar. To tell the truth, Rick Perry doesn't really need my help to get in over his head. But hey, thanks for that tip on the Nylanderia pubens. Not my idea, but they sound like just the thing to aid and abet human suffering. As far as the drought, maybe that's just nature's way to tell Rick Perry to get off his ass and consider climate change. As far as the fire and heat go, well, that's my bad. I farted. Sorry... If you really want to know who's giving Perry bad advice, take a look at his wife. She's the one who hears voices."

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