Thursday, February 26, 2009

Coleman concedes

It's been a long and tough battle for former Senator Norm Coleman in his righteous fight against sinister left-wing comedian Al Franken over the vacant Senate seat that is so rightfully his own. At times even God seems to have deserted him, the Almighty reportedly going long hours in between responses to Coleman's frequent Twittering.

"That's not really true," God maintains. "In actuality I have a great fondness for Norm Coleman and was kind of pulling for him to win in Minnesota. Not that I was willing to intervene. But really, in a race between Jews, it's pretty much of a win-win from my perspective. Except, of course, in the current scenario where nobody has won, which leaves me frustrated and wrathful. Honestly, I'm right on the verge of smiting someone, and just between you and me, it's going to be Norm Coleman if he doesn't give that abominable Blackberry a rest."

"I know that closure is not on the immediate horizon," Coleman said in a surprise statement to the press yesterday. "I am ready to make a concession... I concede the fact that there really isn't going to be a satisfactory outcome to this matter. Not satisfactory to me, at any rate. And while I can hold my breath for a long time, I concede that I cannot hold it forever."

Puzzled reporters did not have to wait long to find out what the hell Coleman was talking about. Appearing on the wildly popular Andrew Wilkow show (on the Sirius 'Talk Right' channel!), Coleman conceded that he would be willing to have the election all over again.

"The St Paul Pioneer Press is one of the second largest papers in the state," Coleman began, citing one of many second largest papers in Minnesota, "last week said we're never going to figure this out, just run it again." Coleman went on to explain that the facts that he was ahead on election night but not ahead now is prima facie evidence that the results simply can't be figured out.

And then there's the fact, as Wilkow points out, that the will of the people just isn't the same as it was one hundred and thirteen days ago.

"You think if the election were held today, right now," he asks, "given what people now know about democrat dominance in the house and in the senate what Obama has been doing as of today, that if the election were recast today you'd wipe Al Franken off the map?"

I will leave it up to you to figure out Coleman's response.

"I've got to admit that I'm proud of the boy," said God, obviously in an upbeat mood. "He's got a lot of chutzpah, which was my special gift to the Chosen People. Still, like I said before, this is between two Jews and I'm not getting involved."

No comments:

Post a Comment