Saturday, February 28, 2009

Northern Trust foresees a new fucking day dawning

Northern Trust Corp. is none too happy with the criticism they've received over last week's fabulous Golfapalooza, where they treated many of their favorite co-conspirators to a luxury weekend, complete with gift bags from Tiffany's and bountiful gorge and guzzle sessions set to the contemporary sounds of Sheryl Crow and Earth, Wind & Fire.

"We're going to party on," proclaimed CEO Frederick Waddell, his Lilly Allen t-shirt still stained from the morning's Jagermeister Celebrity Brunch. "We fucking are indeed, now more than ever, onward and upward, fucking forever, hit me Purvis."

There will be no slowing down this hard-charging party-machine, which count's 20% of the U.S.'s wealthiest families as their clients, and is "fundamentally fit as a fucking fiddle". Northern Trust has vowed to give the fucking money back to the fucking government before they open their fucking mouths about the fucking bank's fucking Spring Calendar.

"George fucking Bush wanted us to take some fucking TARP funds, so we took some fucking TARP funds," explains Waddell. "Simple as that. Wash one hand and spit in the other. He wasn't aware that his fucking Treasury Secretary was trying to fineness us good banks into acting as beards for the fucking loser banks, so that the fucking losers wouldn't fucking collapse when their huge fucking gigantic amounts of hush money payoffs came to light. Bite me, George Bush, you're not invited to our next fucking party, which, by the way, will be the best fucking party that you will miss in your miserable fucking life."

"We're paying your fucking money back, scumbag, uh... well, the new president is undoubtedly also a fucking scumbag, so, we're paying your fucking money back, new scumbag, fucking 5% interest too, so eat me, eat me raw, and Barney Frank, fuck you, you're a dead man."

As soon as the TARP money is paid back, Waddell hopes to not announce the location and lineup for Northern Trust's next soiree, because "it's none of your fucking business".

Procol Harum - 'Grand Fucking Hotel'

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