Sunday, March 22, 2009

good old bad guys

As exciting as today's baron robbers can be, they lack a certain something, and that absence makes it hard to sustain interest. They're interchangeable, for one thing, making it hard to differentiate between a Ken Lewis hard to tell from an Ed Libby - it's all too dependent on what rock the lockstep press has turned over that day. Contrast that to the golden days of OJ, that bad bad man. Even towards the end he was HiDef entertainment, and I find myself wanting to go back, back into my bottomless archives and dig out a piece from January 2007, back when you could just really want to kill a man. Somebody give me a Bronco...

-from the archives...

Angered by an order from LA County Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg to limit his spending to "ordinary and necessary living expenses," O.J. Simpson has announced plans to pay Fred Goldman "every goddamn cent of the 33.5 million that the punk-ass motherfucker wants."

"I am so sick of that asshole that I could just scream," claims Simpson, who was recently told by the court to put back a large bag of Cheetos and to buy the store brand instead.

"Who the hell is Fred Goldman to tell me that while Schlitz may be ordinary, Heineken is an extravagance? Jesus Fucking Christ, I am going to pay that blankety-blank back if it takes me all year. I'm playing all my cards, and by Christmas he's gonna have a payday, and I'm gonna have an even bigger payday, and you know what? He can kiss my black ass."

First up on Simpson's 'Get Fred Off My Back' campaign will be a new book that details the many ways that he would like to torture and kill a fictional character by the name of Fred Silverman. The book is to be issued by Empire Press in April.

"It's a good book, a real good book," says Simpson. "It's about this money-grubbing Jew that everybody hates, and for real good reasons too. He rapes his son, he urinates on kittens, he's just a really rotten vile sonuvabitch who's also extremely ugly and who deserves to die in the worst, most brutal way possible. The hero makes sure that happens, right in the middle of Chapter Three. But here's where it gets real good. It's kind of like 'Rashomon', because you've got four witnesses to the slaying, so Silverman gets killed again in Chapter Five, once more in Chapter Eight, then again Chapter Nine and Chapter Fourteen And everybody remembers the bloody details, but they all remember them differently, so just what is the truth? Oh, and Chapters Ten through Thirteen are a love story, where the hero meets a really fine piece of ass."

Concurrent with the book release, Simpson will begin shooting the new Oliver Stone movie (tentatively titled 'O.J.'), in which he'll play the title role. "It's got action, romance, even some comedy, like when I'm making 'The Naked Gun', and I have to give Leslie Nielson an emergency appendectomy and the only tool I have is a fork."

"Then I'm giving back to the community. I'm working on a rap album with all the baddest cats in the business. I've got Dre, I've got the Neptunes, even Kanye helped out on one track. Boom boom, boom boom. Man, if I don't make 33.5 million by Christmas, something is really wrong with the system."

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