Sunday, March 8, 2009

Steele's slander: The controversy begins

I'm Chris Wallace for FOX News Sunday, and we're back now for the panel portion of the show. Fred Barnes, News Zombie, Charles Krauthammer, and Juan Williams, thank you for joining us.

Now if you look up at your monitor, you'll see a rather graphic view of the way RNC chairman Michael Steele depicted the Republican Party in a weekend interview with - hold onto your hats - the New York Times. Mr. Steele said, and I quote, “I’m trying to move an elephant that’s become mired in its own muck.”

Before you move on, Chris, a question about the graphic you're showing. I see the elephant, he's standing there proudly upon the fruited plain, but I can't help noticing that the 'GOP' printed on his side has a pinkish tint to it. I hope you're not suggesting that Steele is now reaching out to the gays, are you?
You're showing yourself to be a little long in the tooth, News Zombie. Pink isn't just for the gays anymore. Women like it too, particularly mothers, and if you'll recall the statements that Steele made a couple of weeks ago, he seems to be taking a somewhat unseemly interest in Moms, going as far as to say that he was reaching out 'Moms of all shapes'.
I guess that means that Michael Steele isn't reaching out to your mother, Freddy, seeing as how she has no shape at all.
Shut up, Williams. Yo mama is so fat that when she go out on the street, people think she's a United Auto Worker's paycheck.
Please refrain from any reckless statements about my mother, Freddy, or I shall be forced to engage you in a round of fisticuffs.
Gentlemen, returning to the topic at hand, I don't have a quibble with Steele if he wishes to bring more moms into the Republican Party, as long as he sees no need to soften the core conservative message. Of course if he chooses to attempt this within an urban-suburban hip-hop setting, all bets are off.
How right you are, Mr Krauthammer. Just the other day I was in a Starbucks, when a rather unkempt patron began blasting hip-hop upon his listening device, and when the manager refused to take action, I had no choice but to leave the premises. I wish to be no part of a setting such as that.
You know, all those managers at Starbucks, they're MBAs fresh out of college who can't find any other work. They're not about to risk a confrontation with hooligans who won't turn their radio down. That's the sort of work-force you get in a recession like this, downwardly mobile kids willing to exchange brawn for brains.
Today looks like one of those frequent occasions where we're all in agreement... I've got another question about the graphic, Chris. The elephant appears to be on the verge of sitting... Is Steele trying to say that the present is not the time for the Republican Party to be resting on it's laurels?
You couldn't be further from the point, Juan. If you'll recall, what Steele said, and this is a direct quote, was “I’m trying to move an elephant that’s become mired in its own muck.” The elephant is not in fact attempting to sit; rather he is in the process of releasing a steaming heap of pachyderm doodie.
Holy f***ing s***, that's not what I would call an appropriate image to conjure up as a representation of the Republican Party!
I Couldn't agree with you more, Fredrick. It sends a message that can hardly be construed in a positive manner. I am intrigued, however, by the vastness of that pile of dung... Is that sort of massive volume of pachyderm poop even possible?
Indeed it is, Mister Krauthammer. Years ago when I was covering a trip by Henry Kissinger on a trip to India, I saw one of the ceremonial elephants take a dump so big that it stopped traffic in both directions.
Truly mind-boggling, News Zombie, and might I add, not a sight that I would be eager to witness. A question, Chris. Steele supposedly said that this elephant was mired in its own muck. From my vantage point, the elephant does not appear to be in any way stuck or otherwise hindered. Perhaps this is an over-reach by Mr. Steele?
That was our initial thought here at FOX News Sunday, Charles, and we spoke to an aide close to Michael Steele who told us that the elephant had chosen a tar pit to relieve his bowels upon, and that when it does attempt to move, it will be unable to extricate itself.
Unless Michael Steele is there to move it for us, huh? Whoa. Whoa.
That's about the gist of it, Juan. Steele's staff also cleared up a question about the lack of actual muck clinging to the elephant's hide. The aide said, and I quote, 'Once that mother...', mmm, I think I'll paraphrase... or maybe just give you a synopsis. He indicated that once the elephant begins to struggle it will lose both it's balance and it's bearings, ultimately thrashing helplessly from within the humongous pile of it's own filth.
All in all, I believe that Michael Steele has come up with a very unfortunate choice of metaphors. I suspect that there will shortly be more calls for his ouster. What do you think, Fred?
You know that I have very strong feelings about Steele's future, and I would say that my opinion is reflective of that. What has Rush had to say about this latest outrage?
As most of us know, Rush is switched off at precisely 3:00 PM on Fridays and is not reactivated till noon on Monday. So he has yet to issue a statement, and you, Fred Barnes, are making a futile attempt to hide the fact that you do not yet have a fully formed opinion.
I take umbrage at your insinuation, News Zombie. Now Krauthammer, there's a fellow who doesn't have a fully formed opinion.
I most assuredly do, Barnes. Steele's statement was borderline slander and I condemn it. Should he be forced to step down as the RNC Chairman? What do you think, Mr. Williams?
I think that since FOX News builds it's reputation on being fair and balanced, and as I share a certain racial heritage with Mr. Steele, it is only proper that I recuse myself from answering this question.
...and as moderator, I am not permitted to give my opinion, all though I'll assure you it is solid and well-reasoned. That's all the time we have today. Join us back again next week at FOX News Sunday.


  1. Thanks for the straight poop, Mark.

    And thanks for contaminating yourself with it so I don't have to.

    Wise men learn more from fools. . .(thank you, Cato) and you seem to have found the nest.

  2. It's because I give a shit, Michael.