Thursday, April 30, 2009

Biden scares nation's pants off

Vice President Joe Biden gave the American people quite a fright this morning when he appeared on 'The Today Show' and attempted to soothe a nation already jittery about the dreadful scourge of Swine Flu by warning them of the peril associated with human contact.

“I would tell members of my family that I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now,” Biden said. "If you’re in a confined space like an aircraft or a subway car or an office building.... When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through that confined space and the next thing you know you're breaking out in pus-oozing boils and vomiting blood. It's a bad situation, and the best thing you can do is lock yourself inside of a sterile room until this pestilence passes over. If it ever does..."

Worried about increasing the already high level of public panic, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sibelius quickly released the following statement.

"Joe Biden is a fine public servant, but his Tourette-like habit of impulsively blurting out the cold hard truth even when it scares people can be quite irritating and should be actively discouraged, so we encourage all Americans to ignore his latest fact-laden statement."

"Any suspected encounter with this fearsome plague should be handled calmly by visiting the closest disinfection center and undergoing immediate decontamination. If a friend, colleague, or family member shows outward signs of infestation such as coughing, sneezing, or avoidance of eye contact, avoid them like the plague and call our toll free hotline at 1-800-666-DOOM, where a friendly government agent will be quickly dispatched to escort them to one of our regional wellness camps for containment. Above all, do not panic, because the president already has enough on his plate."

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