the blue plague

We've got a bit of a treat next here on the Sean Hannity Show, one of the great conservative thinkers in America, a great writer, and I might add, a very sharp dressed man, Mr. George Will.

Thank you, Sean, it's a pleasure to be here. I know you like to be told that you're a great American, so let me get that particular chore out of the way. You're a great American, Sean.

Thank you, George. You're a great American too, but that doesn't prevent me from having a bone to pick with you today. On Wednesday over thirty million other great Americans held fabulously successful teabag parties across the nation, and yet when I read your column yesterday there wasn't a single word about our remarkable conservative victory.

That's right, Sean, I wrote about pants. I wish that I could say that I wrote about trousers, but the topic du jour was denim, as in jeans, and jeans are surely not trousers. They are simply pants.

No argument there. But still, the day after teabag day, you spent your entire column talking about people wearing jeans rather than renewal. Let me read a little bit... "Writer Daniel Akst has noticed and has had a constructive conniption. He should be given the Presidential Medal of Freedom. He has earned it by identifying an obnoxious misuse of freedom." Do you honestly think that this Dan Akst should be given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for writing about his dislike of denim?

Indeed I do, Sean. As I said, Akst spoke truth to denim, summoning Americans to soul-searching and repentance about the plague of that ubiquitous fabric, which is symptomatic of deep disorders in the national psyche. To be totally blunt, jeans look shabby.

But a Presidential Medal of Freedom? And let me throw this thought out there, some of the better jeans, when paired with something like a nice crew neck sweater, can look rather smart.

Smart? I think not. Putting a designer label on a pair of denim pants is like putting lipstick on a pig. I watched FOX's teabag coverage on Wednesday, and while I wanted to empathize with the participants, I found that I could not because they were all wearing jeans. They looked quite similar to a congregation of unkempt hippies.

But don't you understand, George? Conservatives are the new hippies. We're the ones who want to overthrow the government now. And we're the ones who want to rock. You probably noticed that I had Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, at my teabag party.

Indeed. If I might quote myself, there are some basic fashion rules necessary for a civilized society. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don't wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly.

Jeez, George, you seem to be getting a little elitist lately. All of a sudden I'm supposed to dress like Fred Astaire? I'm not ashamed to tell you that I myself have a number of pairs of jeans, and I think they look pretty darn good on me.

I'm sure that's what your followers tell you, although they themselves may also be clad in the same common fabric. But let me assure you, the fact that you insist on wearing the infantile uniform of the slovenly hordes who pretend that they are prospectors or cowboys, you will never darken my door, nor will you ever understand the stirring words of Edmund Burke, who said "To make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely."

I once saw a picture of Ronald Reagan wearing a pair of jeans... Nuts... Up next, Dick Morris...