Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Party of Dicks

Politico reports that the latest strategy among House Republicans is to behave like pure unadulterated dicks, waiting in ambush for freshman House Democrats to take the floor and then attacking them with whatever unrelated bullshit they can pull out of their ass. The theory is that the first term Democrats are not yet familiar enough with many of the arcane rules of protocol and procedure to protect them from being intimidated or at least a little flumoxed by the tactic. Minority Whip and Britney groupie Eric Cantor has assembled a SWAT team for just this purpose.

"Cantor’s floor staff has created a photo album to help identify the 42 most vulnerable Democrats. The aides send daily e-mails to the members of the attack team and alert lawmakers when these targeted members are speaking on the floor. They even draft quick scripts to help focus the questioning."

"Some members of the opposition party accuse us of acting like total dicks, and I vehemently disagree," said Cantor. "The joke is on them, because we're not acting. We're schooling these freshman Democrats with our dazzling display of parliamentary procedure, lowering the level of discourse so they don't go getting big-headed about their immature 'change agenda'. Plus, it makes us Republicans feel a little better about ourselves."

"Look at our position," Cantor continues. "We got nothing. I mean, we are the very definition of minority. Do we have ideas? Maybe. Do we have core convictions? I don't even know what that means. Can we help create a brighter tomorrow? Not this year, bubba, probably not next year either. We win big in 2010, big whoop, other that the fact that we'd be able to be even bigger dicks than we are now, although Lord knows, that hardly seems possible."

"Ah, we're just biding our time until 2012," says Minority Leader Boehner. "Things will be better then, I know they will. And besides, just like high school, it's fun to pick on the freshmen. I may not be a hipster like Eric Cantor but I can still tap a toe or two, and it's like that song by the Red Hot Dogs, 'fuck 'em just to see the look on their face'. You know, Freaky Deaky."

The Red Hot Dogs - 'Freaky Deaky'

1 comment:

  1. Wasn't there a song that went,
    "Fuck'em up just to see what's left of their face"?

    Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.