Monday, April 27, 2009

Pig flu controversy explodes like a bloated corpse

Former Vice President Dick Cheney took another swipe at Barack Obama today, saying that he has "left the United States vulnerable to invasion by organisms of unimaginable evil with his refusal to recognize the seriousness of a pig flu attack."

"The Bush administration protected this nation against the pig flu for eight years," Cheney told grinning FOX News buttboy Steve Doocey, "and in less than one hundred days, it appears that all of our hard work has been undone. People are literally dying in the streets while Barack Obama is out golfing. Now the Europeans are afraid to even visit the United States, and I can't say that I blame them. Who wants to die like a pig if they don't absolutely have to?"

The chronically uninformed Doocey said that he had not yet heard the part about people dying in the streets, a remark that caused Cheney to snort in derision.

"Perhaps, Douchey, you might be willing to admit that even as a FOX News second-stringer you don't have access to all of the same intelligence that a former Vice President of the United States does. I'm in regular contact with Mike Leavitt, our Health and Human Services Secretary-in-exile, and he assures me that Americans are dying in droves from pig flu, but that it's being reported as death by 'natural causes' by the liberal media."

Rank and file Republicans were quick to follow Cheney's lead, with Minority Whip Eric Cantor taking to the House floor to blast Obama for not having a Health and Human Services Secretary of his own.

"Maybe he's too busy playing golf," sneered Cantor, who added that he would soon present evidence that Obama cheats at the game. "Here we are in the midst of the worst pandemic of this millennium and the president can't be bothered to fill what is currently the most urgently needed position in his administration. I'd call that a fatal error, one that I can only pray we survive."

"What a piece of work this guy Cantor is," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gates. "I'm just throwing this out there, but maybe the President doesn't have an HHS Secretary because the Republicans have been blocking Kathleen Sebelius' nomination ever since March 2nd. Just saying."

"This is not the time for finger-pointing," shot back Cantor. "Not now with what I understand to be hordes of people dying in the streets from pig flu. We oppose Sebelius because of her unseemly love for abortion, which is just about the only thing on God's green earth that is even worse than pig flu. If the president was really concerned about the wellbeing of the American people, he would nominate someone non-controversial to HHS, someone like Mike Leavitt. Leavitt may have had a low profile, but there was never a single case of pig flu on his watch."

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