Monday, April 20, 2009

silent treatment

A classified number of possible CIA agents may have staged a silent protest this afternoon during President Obama's visit to agency headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

According to Agent Smith, "there may or may not be some truth to the rumor that many of us wore our agency-issue sunglasses as a way to prevent any and all eye contact. Such a move, were it to have happened, would not prevent us from looking directly at the president with suspicious and disdain, but it would prevent him from peering into our souls, which we may or may not possess. In addition, there is the possibility that many agents may have sat on their hands during major applause lines, and carefully guarded against the display any physical expression of emotion, positive or negative. The silence may or may not have been deafening."

Numerous agents have perhaps been upset by the Obama administration's decision to release formerly Top Secret documents detailing torture of detainees which some individuals with no need to know believe to have occurred during the Bush administration, a charge which Smith was quick to neither confirm or deny.

"There is a reason why these facts or fallacies are considered secret," said Smith. "Possibly there are reports, written, verbal, or non-existent, that certain suspect individuals who some might classify as terrorists are now openly mocking the limp-wristed techniques which were possibly used to obtain information which might, if it exists, have prevented further destruction in certain places that I am not at liberty to reveal."

"Take, for example, the totally unverifiable report that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times. If that report were believed to be true, one might conjecture that this possible CIA interrogation tactic was somewhat less than effective. Even more damaging are the release of guidelines, such as the one which states that agents were limited to two waterboarding sessions per day, with six applications of fluids per session."

"I'm certain that sounds pretty persuasive to the unskilled observer, but this guideline also states that each application of said fluids may last no longer than forty seconds. That is all that is needed for the suspected terrorists to win. We are already receiving reports that possible al-Qaeda training officers are teaching new recruits how to hold their breath for well over a minute. The implications are obvious."

"I'll tell you one thing - when Obama left Langley this afternoon, he may or may not have gotten a good idea of just how betrayed the agency may or may not feel."

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