Monday, April 13, 2009

Take Barack Obama - please!

Glenn Beck, Fox News Channel's latest sensation, is taking a comedy show on the road for six live performances over six days during the first week of June. Beck calls his act a "poor man's Seinfeld" and intends to mix topical humor with his modern-day reimagining of Thomas Paine's 1776 pamphlet 'Common Sense'. - Variety, 4/12

All day long, I have these clueless left-wing loonies calling me up and saying, 'hey Beck, what are you some kinda comedian?' Well duh, of course I am.

Actually, they don't call me up, they call my people up. And come to think of it, I don't really know that they call me up - maybe their people call up my people. Do liberals have people? Here's a weird thought, maybe we've got like this whole loop thing going on here, like when Hitler's people used to call up Neville Chamberlain's people, "this is the Fuhrer's office, please hold for appeasement..." I dunno, you could go crazy just thinking about it.

I tell you what Thomas Payne would have done, though, he would have taken the call and told Adolph's people he'd get back with them when Hitler was prepared to lay out a decent spread, maybe some bagels and creamcheese, maybe a nice piece of halibut, and then old Tom woulda stood him up. Yeah, Hitler is just sitting at some bistro, looking at his watch, like 'Holy Cow, I've got to invade Poland in a half hour and this shmuck Thomas Payne has me waiting here cooling my tuches, what the heck, doesn't he have any common sense?'

And why the heck do they call it common sense? Is it really all that common? I mean, you see all these people walking around town with their little dogs, and they've got pooper scoopers, what a funny name but that's what it is, a device for scooping poop. And the dog is the designated pooper. You never see a dog walking behind a man with a little plastic bag, so tell me just exactly who the heck is in charge? You could go crazy just thinking about it.

Of course, Thomas Payne lived in a time when men had real dogs, not these little frou-frou dogs like you see now. Somebody must have had to sit down a couple hundred years ago and say "You know what? Dogs are too big. In the future, people will probably be picking up their poop in little plastic bags and carrying it around like some sort of a booby prize."

And why do they call it a booby prize? Do you ever win boobies? Because then everybody, all the straight guys, would be trying to come in last place so they could win the boobies. Wouldn't that be nuts? It makes me crazy just thinking about it, all of a sudden all the liberals are trying to come in first place, thinking, 'Boy, this is a lot easier than I thought it would be', and you know, anyone with common sense would be trying to come in last so they could win the boobies.

Hey, I'm just a guy who loves boobies almost as much as I love my country, so ladies, come on, don't get upset with me, I'm sure we can think of a little something for you to win too. Maybe some quality time with Glen Beck, I dunno, you could go crazy just thinking about it...


  1. I really enjoy it when you drop the reins and your imagination just sort of cartwheels into a crazy Hilterish dog poopy kinda Beck-boobiean adventure.
    Where am I?

  2. Actually men did have Frou-frou dogs back then Glenn, they were called "lap dogs": I believe that era was when quite a few of those breeds were the acme of fashion statements, and they didn't need little plastic bags because they had slaves to pick up the dog poo. I really enjoy good comedians Glenn, so if you run across any let me know.

  3. Booby prize literally means "idiot's prize". And yes Glenn, you deserve it. "Quality time with Glenn Beck".................................... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HA! You're funny!!!!