Nation faces Illegal shortage

New data from the Mexican Census bureau confirms the fear that the US is losing it's valuable illegal immigrants at an alarming rate, which if not quickly stemmed, could usher in an era of negative illegal growth as early as 2010. "The figures that were released are quite deceptive," says US Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. "What they don't show is the steady drain of illegal immigrants who are leaving the country every day. Getting the hell out of Dodge, as it were. Although we don't have official figures, we estimate the number of lost illegals at around 100,000 for 2008. I mean, we still have plenty, but just do the math and you can see the crisis has already begun." "What's that got to do with the price of beans?" asks Arizona bean farmer Ned Brown. "I'll tell you what that has to do with the price of beans - it means they're going through the roof. Take a look at my fields right now, and it's Americans as far as you can see, with only a sprinkling of Mexicans. And the few I got all have their green cards, so you know what that means. Minimum wage. Hell, they won't work for less than that. And when I balked at paying them overtime, they threaten to call The Man on me. Damnation, I remember when I was The Man..." "Me and my big mouth," says chastened CNN commentator. "All I can say is, damn my effectiveness. Like most Americans, I love beans, and the good news is that I'm still wealthy enough to eat them regularly, heh heh, little bean joke there, but the point is, for a lot of people... no, see, I said 'I eat them regularly'. And the joke, of course, is that beans keep you regular. Your bowels, that is. A little subtle, I realize. But anyway... What? They don't keep you regular? Well, that explains a lot."