Live report: FOX bemoans lost weekend

After weeks of buildup and hours of special 'Live at Notre Dame' coverage, FOX News was cruelly disappointed today as thousands of protestors refused to show up and express their abhorrence that the most pro-abortion president ever was befouling the schools graduation ceremony by receiving an honorary degree and delivering a commencement speech. Chris Wallace was trotted out to anchor the ceremony of hoped-for protests and violence, an event which turned out to be even less successful than the FOX sponsored teabag parties. "Students were encouraged to paint their funny square hats with crosses and tiny footprints," noted Wallace, while FOX cameras panned the throng for a head-top view. "Don't see very many of them." There were about three painted funny-hats, and for the rest of the event, they received plentiful airtime. Due to the total lack of violent confrontation, or even much in the way of audible hostile shouts, Wallace was forced to spend long periods chatting with a couple of outraged Catholic priests who, due to a conspiracy, were unable to get into the standing room only ceremony. There was live feed of a campus protest at which a few folks were arrested for trespassing, but the uprising was so sparsely attended that Wallace never returned to it. At times he appeared to doze, snapping to only when fresh opportunities for outrage presented themselves. There was a standing ovation when Obama entered the hall, with any boos drowned out by cheers, and when he received his honorary degree, he was not met with an onslaught of eggs and catcalls. Things took a promising turn about five minutes into Obama's thirty minute speech when a protestor could be heard loud and clear. The cameras panned wildly, until finally finding what appeared to be an elderly man waving frantically for a hot dog vendor, his embarrassed relatives trying to call him down before security escorted him from the hall. That was about it for FOX style excitement, as the rest of the speech - even the part about abortion - was received enthusiastically. "Nuts," muttered Wallace, before bringing on Michael Steele for moral support. "My whole damn weekend is shot to hell."