Friday, May 1, 2009

pigs out, wolverines in

Bored to tears by the plague formerly known as pig flu, the nation has finally (God, has it been four days already?) turned it's weary eyes to the strange saga of a mutant dude who will rip your throat to shreds, motherfucker.

"Pig flu seemed like the story of the century," explained FOX News Superstar Sean Hannity, "but in the end, like everything thus far in the dreary Obama administration, it has turned out to be nothing but a dreary bore. You might wonder why a professional journalist such as myself would use the word dreary twice in one sentence, and I can explain it thusly - the other words suggested by Microsoft Word, such as boring, monotonous, lackluster, tedious, and of course lifeless, cannot begin to explain my lack of interest in continuing this non-story. As a matter of fact, lifeless is a perfect word for our next segment, which takes a good hard look at the fact that the mainstream media has totally ignored the fact that in April of 2009 more American troops have died in Obama's Iraq surrender than in any month of the Bush presidency since October of 2008. I guess that must be change we can all believe in."

The problem, of course, is the extremely low pig flu body count of seven, causing the plague to be ranked as the least deadly strain of flu to emerge since the dreary Carter administration.

All of this should change this magical May weekend, when the anxiously awaited 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' is expected to debut with a gross in excess of seventy million and a body count in excess of the pig flu.

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