Swat offers to take detainees

Maulana Fazlullah

"The democratic government of Swat, acting in the spirit of international friendship and cooperation, would like to extend a hand to the new American president," radio personality Shah Dauran said last night in a surprise announcement on Swat's most popular station, Fazlullah FM. "Perhaps, in hope of a new era of understanding and tolerance, we can be of some minor assistance to the United States of America. Maulana Fazlullah knows quite well the difficulties of cleaning house, and thus is volunteering to accept many of the troublesome detainees currently residing at Guantanamo Bay. All he seeks in return is a kind word and a friendly smile. And perhaps a fist bump." "In the words of the great Zionist Emma Lazarus, engraved on your own Statue of Liberty, we say 'Give us your tired, your poor, your worst of the worst, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore'. The new government of Swat is most interested in your wretched refuse, particularly those with training in ballistics, although we will be happy to accept the non-specialized wretched as well, as long as they show a willingness to work hard and learn." Although no statement was immediately forthcoming from the White House, some State Department officials reacted with a certain amount of apprehension. "If an offer sounds too good to be true, it usually is too good to be true," said a close aide to Secretary Clinton. "I'm pretty darn sure that there is no democratically elected government of Swat, and as a matter of fact, I believe that Swat is still officially part of our ally Pakistan. I haven't seen the papers today, but I think that was the case the last time I looked. Furthermore, although I'm not that good with names, I could swear that Maulana Fazlullah is the Taliban leader in that region, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this offer wasn't just a ploy to obtain the worst of the worst for the purpose of killing American troops." "Kill American troops?" cried Shah Dauran, shaking his head in disbelief. "How cruelly judgmental, how blatantly unfair. Maybe that's something that a few bad Taliban used to do, but here in Swat all we care about is subjugating the people of Pakistan to iron fist of Shari'a law. And maybe getting our hands on a few nukes, Allah willing. So if you insist on insulting us, just forget that we ever made the offer, okay?"