It's official

The Guardian Council has spoken, after recounting literally bushels of ballots, and there is no longer any doubt about the result of Iran's contentious election. Indeed, the Guardian Council is justifiably renowned for it's counting prowess, and that is really saying something given that they are the products of a culture which not only invented algebra, but also popularized the zero, which, coincidentally, is the number of deviations found from their earlier vote tabulations. "It is as important to be a good winner as it is to be a good loser," newly reconfirmed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told a throng of well-wishers gathered this afternoon outside a mosque in Tehran. "Perhaps even more important since the eyes of a nation are not cast upon the loser. The only things cast upon the loser are stones. Heh heh. I jest, people I jest. Because Hossein Mousavi can in no way be called a loser. He won quite a few votes, approximately the same as the number of known infidels who were formerly registered to vote. Don't worry, my friends, it was a secret ballot so we have no way of knowing who is a loyal Iranian and who is not. Although it might be wise for some of you to remove the Mousavi bumper stickers from your vehicles with haste." A demonstration had been planned near the Azadi Tower, but was cancelled after news of the announcement hit the street. Disappointed protestors drifted away slowly from the scene, many appearing embarrassed by their post-election boisterousness. "I guess I was wrong," said a demonstrator who declined to give his name. "The Guardian Council can count like nobody's business, so as far as I'm concerned, the case is closed. There's a lot of things I could blame for my rebelliousness - the internet, the Western media, and especially that damned Twitter - but in the end it was my own foolishness that caused me to distrust the Supreme Leader. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get on home. There's a bumper sticker I need to scrape off."