Monday, June 15, 2009

McCain Declares Iranian Election Fraudulent

After a couple days of muffled silence following the Iranian presidential election, a consensus has been reached within the head of Senator John McCain, who this morning revealed that the reelection of of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a tragic hoax.

“The reaction of the Iranian people shows their discontent with this regime,” McCain told FOX News. "It’s really a sham that they've pulled off and I hope that we will act."

McCain did not reveal the sources of his revelation, or how the sham was pulled off, or what we should do if his hopes of acting achieve fruition, or even who he meant when he referred to 'we'. The 'we', however, was seen as an all encompassing 'we' which included not only Republican Senators but also Republican Congressmen and a smattering of Republican Governors, all of whom were briefly in agreement with McCain by11:00 AM EST.

"The Iranian election is a fraudulent travesty," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "It's a travesty because it's not what we had hoped would happen, ipso facto."

As of a week ago, with Hossein Mousavi looking as though he might pull off an upset victory, the conventional Republican wisdom had been to pooh-pooh the relevance of any regime change, since any fool knows that Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds all the real power in Iran and the president is just a puppet. Within moments of McCain's pronouncement, any fool had apparently forgotten that insight, with Ahmadinejad swiftly recapturing his role as the face of pure evil.

Ever the contrarian, Rush Limbaugh this afternoon declared himself delighted with Ahmadinejad's re-election, noting that "it's not at all surprising that John McCain would make a statement such as his latest bit of blather, since the Maverick has been wrong on virtually everything else over the past few years. But the truth is, Ahmadinejad is the devil we know, and his reelection frees us from further fraudulent talk of hope and change that the Obama administration would be trying to flummox the drive-by media with had Mousavi gone on to victory. Any fool should know that Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds all the real power in Iran and the president is just a puppet. So I repeat that I am delighted with Ahmadinejad's election because it inoculates the American public from the possibility of falling for any further attempt at deception."

"Furthermore, this election offers proof positive that Obama is failing to recreate the world in his own image. As I hoped that he would fail. As I assured you he would fail. Obama's apology tour has not worked in Iran, much as it will not work in the rest of the world, and soon, as Reverend Wright would say, America's chickens are coming home to roost. But there is a bright side to come out of all of this. We will build a new conservative majority, a new shining city on the hill, out of the ashes of Obama's devastation of America."

"What Rush just said," responded the Republican Party.

"Any fool knows that," agreed Sean Hannity at the top of the hour.

"Amen," said Hannity's very special guest, Newt Gingrich.

"It's time to take the apology tour off the road," said Mitt Romney, pretending to be on the show.

"It's obvious that this was a rigged election and deprives the people of their democratic rights," said McCain, speaking from Washington via phone.

"Get off my phone line, McCain," responded Hannity, hanging up on the confused old senator who just doesn't seem to understand politics anymore.

"We only had him on with Steve Doocey," said FOX News in an official statement, denying any attempt to take McCain seriously.

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