Wednesday, July 8, 2009

"I found it..."

Found what, Congressman Boehner?

"My train of thought. Sometimes that train jumps the track and you can't tell what station it's going to arrive at. The other day I was talking about Sarah Palin to a colleague and next thing I noticed I had slipped into a diatribe about 'The Last of the Mohicans'. I had to read that in school when I was just a little Boehner. Hated it."

Uh huh. Is that the statement you wanted to make?

“Statement? Oh, heavens no. I wanted to say that I found it interesting, not the book but the topic I intend to address now, which is that I found it interesting over the last couple of days to hear Vice President Biden and the president mention the fact that they didn’t realize how difficult an economic circumstance we were in.”

Okay... What did you find so interesting about it?

"Interesting? It wasn't interesting, just like the Mohicans book. You would think that for a young lad a book with Indians and soldiers would be interesting. It was appalling."

So you called up Politico to tell us that you found 'The Last of the Mohicans' appalling?

"No, just boring. Of course I just made it through the first fifty pages or so. Still managed to get a C on my book report, as I recall. But I really don't want to talk about books right now, I just wanted to say that what Obama and Biden had to say about the economy, whew boy, what a whopper."

A whopper?

"I wouldn't mind one. I do tend to like Burger King more than McDonalds, although I generally try and stay away from fast food. The last time I was there, though, I tried that new burger they have called the Angry Whopper. It's like a Double Whopper but with pepperjack cheese and jalapenos on it. And they put onion rings on the top. I don't know why the hell they do that. I picked em off, but I still had the runs for two days."

But back to topic, what about the Obama and Biden economic statements gave you offense?

"Back on topic? You're the one who brought up burgers, Alex. Irregardless, when they said they didn't know how bad the economy was, I thought this is the greatest fabrication I have seen since I’ve been in Congress."

Really? Because I saw that more as an admission that they had miscalculated the extent of the crisis. But even if you were to construe it as a deliberate attempt to mislead, I don't see how it could rival Bush's claim of WMDs, for example, or Clinton's denial of infidelity."

"Of course you would say that, because as a journalist you feel a need to be provocative, whereas I, as House Minority Leader, feel a need to open my mouth and let the chips fall where they may. Hold on a sec... Dammit, that Eric Cantor is the greatest thief I've ever seen since I've been in Congress. I had a bag of Route 11 Mama Zuma potato chips that I just opened up this morning... Nothing left in here but crumbs. Dammit man."

Okay, Congressman Boehner, anything else you'd like to add to your statement?

"Statement? No, they're just really good chips, that's all."

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