Sunday, July 5, 2009

It's Not That You're Not Important to us...

...from the archives..

Ms P. I am so sorry. There’s something we need to discuss, right here, right now. You’re not the proper person for this department, so I don’t want you to have to go through all the hassle of getting comfortable, only to have the seat pulled out from underneath you. Fair enough? Let’s see what else we have…

Yes. Yes I do know who your daddy is. Your daddy is a congressman... Do you want a challenge? There are a number of sectors in the company that can provide you with a real challenge. For instance, our Caliper Retooling department. Our calipers sometimes get out of calibration and there’s all heck to pay in the front office. But the job is not without it’s moments of glory. Think about it, and I’m sure you’ll get my meaning.

A little too challenging, you say? Well, that’s understandable. So, lets take stock: you don’t really have the temperament for the Acquisitions group, and caliper retooling seems to be a little intense for your taste… How about the Mail Room? That’s something you might like. No. M A I L. It’s not as important as it used to be in the old days, what with email taking over a lot of the communication space, but there’s still a lot of trade journals to be sorted through. The pay is not much, just 90K a year, but if you keep your nose clean, there’s a good possibility of moving up to a guardianship role… yes, that’s where you carry the keys and let the postman in and out of the building. You’d also be in charge of the UPS shipments. No, just incoming, not outgoing… The girl with outgoing UPS has a Masters in English Lit. You know her daddy? Senator daddy, not congressman daddy. Much better, daddy-wise.

I know! Tunnel Master! That’s you to a T. T stands for tunnel and T stands for Timmy Thompson The Third, the first and greatest Tunnel Master Tyrone Products has ever produced.

You’re not afraid of alligators, are you? I mean, you’re not afraid that one of them might sneak up behind you and bite you on the ass, are you? Because it really doesn’t happen all that often. Mmm, I think we’ve had two, maybe three ass bitings since I’ve worked here, no more than that. A good Tunnel Master keeps their eyes on the tunnel… it really shouldn’t be much of a problem. Just look up once in a while.

No? You sure? Well, I don’t know what else we can offer you. You’re not aggressive enough for acquisitions, you’re intimidated by caliper retooling, you don’t want mailroom unless you can have outgoing UPS, and you think alligators are yucky. Yes, I can see that your legs go up to there. Funny thing, so do mine. But that’s neither here nor there.

Weather person? …I hadn’t thought about it, but people do get tired of looking out the window. Mmm, right, right you are. I think you’ll be pleased to know that that position is going to result in a little pay bump. Yes, I suppose you will need wardrobe expenses… To an extent...

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