Joe Jackson wins top prize

"Omer Bhatti is Michael's secret son," confirmed proud grampa Joe Jackson, placing a cherry atop what has been for him an almost perfect day. The morning began with the surprising news that his wife Katherine had been awarded full custody of all three of deceased pop star Michael Jackson's children, a decision in which the eighty-year-old tyrant was not even mentioned. Elated, Jackson went a near-by 7-11, where he celebrated by purchasing half a dozen scratch-off lottery tickets. One of these yielded the top prize - a cool $20,000!!! "It was a 'California Crossword' ticket," said the beaming patriarch, who admits that in the past he's shied away from this particular game. "It's kind of literary, whereas most scratch-offs are all about the numbers. This one is all words that you have to cross-reference to prize amounts, so it can be quite confusing. See, you have to completely uncover two words using the letters you get at the top of the ticket, and then you go to the bonus word which doesn't count as a word in the prize key and then... Oh hell, like I said, it's quite confusing. You just have to play it for yourself and see what I'm talking about." Jackson reluctantly agreed to return to the topic of Omer Bhattie, who is a 25 year-old aspiring Norwegian rapper. "I told him 'Son, they don't know beans about rap music over there in Norway, you're just going to have to move to California and listen up to Daddy Joe. But I tell you what, he looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson, and can dance like a Jackson. So he must be a Jackson, even with that funny name of his. But back to California Crossword, it took me a couple minutes before I even realized that I had a winner, trying to make sense of those instructions and all. But then I realized what I was holding and I said 'Dang, Joe, you just had your birthday two days ago, but it looks like the real party is happening today." Asked what he would do with his $20,000 top prize, Joe paused before replying "Well, as of today, I've got myself four out of a Jackson Five, so I might just give it to Jermaine in exchange for using one of his kids for a few years."