Mahmoud's ceremony a bust

With all of the recent unpleasantness happening the past few weeks in Iran, it was expected that some of his opponents might not show up for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's formal endorsement ceremony, and those expectations were not dashed. What was not foreseen, however, was the possibility that virtually all of his detractors, reluctant peers, and people who just don't care a lot for him would also choose to skip the event, leaving the main banquet room in the Tehran Hilton virtually empty. "I sent out all the invitations nearly two weeks ago, and a RSVP was mandatory," complained Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "Now what in the blazes am I supposed to do with all this baked chicken?" Khamenei blamed the poor attention on yesterday's decision to televise the trials of guilty reformers during prime time. "No doubt, it was riveting television, but the show went way over schedule. I imagine that most of the invitees to the endorsement ceremony watched the entire thing and were just too tired for a big night out. For this, Mahmoud must take responsibility, for he is the one who suggested that starting the trials on Sunday would make a dynamite kick-off for his party. Would he listen to his loyal supporter and Supreme Leader? No, not Mahmoud. I tell you, the man is bullheaded. I swear to Allah, if it were not my solemn duty, I would not have attended myself." As a matter of fact, Khamenei did leave before the traditional 'Presenting of the Bribes' which was a complete embarrassment, leaving Ahmadinejad nearly empty handed. The only person to show up with a gift was reviled writer Salman Rushdie, who presented the president with a new laptop. "Boy, was that ever awkward," reflected Mahmoud. "On the one hand, Iran has a fatwā on his blasphemous head; on the other hand, it was a MacBook Pro. So I told him I would see if I could work something out."