Primary heats up

"There is no gun aimed at Hakimullah's head." The New York Times is reporting that Taliban kingpen Hakimullah Mehsud has been killed in a gunfight with Waliur Rehman, another Taliban up-and-comer. The two nutballs were meeting to decide which of them would assume leadership of the radical organization following Baitullah Mehsud's death by drone last week in Pakistan. Rehman, who was also wounded in the fight, apparently wins by default. But not so fast. Sirajuddin Haqqani, a good friend of Afghanistan's Muhammad Omar, has also expressed interest in the gig, and feels he may have some special qualifications. "For one thing, I am smart enough to stay away from gunfights with religious fanatics. And let me say a little something about Waliur Rehman - the man is a cold blooded murderer. This was not just some ordinary infidel he shot, this was a Taliban brother. I think it would send the wrong kind of message to put Rehman in charge, so I am hereby declaring myself to be the Grand Poobah of the Taliban." But not so fast. The London Times is reporting that someone identifying himself as Hakimullah Mehsud is calling up media outlets claiming that Baitullah Mehsud is still alive. Furthermore, the Times is reporting that Reuters is reporting that one of their reporters is reporting that he spoke to Waliur Rehman, who reportedly told them that all of the reports are a pack of lies. “There are no differences," Rehman supposedly said. "There was no fighting. We both are alive, and there was no special shura meeting. So I have got a little straight talk for the media. Because as much as I hate it, you have still got your despicable freedom of the press. And that is why our troops are willing to die attempting to kill you. So, how about, in honor of the Taliban soldiers, you quit making things up."