Sunday, August 30, 2009

Ronnie's missiles

Diplomatic officials yesterday accused Pakistan of illegally modifying Harpoon antiship missiles that were sold to it by the US way back in the good old days of the Reagan administration. In what Prime minister Yousuf Raza Gilani called 'fantastical recrimination' was a suspicion that Pakistan might have actually altered the weaponry with the sole purpose of arming up against it's archenemy India.

"There’s a concerted effort to get these guys to slow down,” said one senior yet strangely anonymous diplomatic official. “Their energies are misdirected. Why Pakistan would choose to up the ante against India, who they've constantly been at war with since 1947... well, I have a hard time understanding. These guys need to be fighting the Taliban. That's why Reagan gave them those missiles in the first place."

"I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you on that small point, Mr Hershelstampman," said a second senior anonymous diplomatic from the inner bowels of the State Department. "Oh, I mean excuse me, Mister X. They're really not big on history over at OSD, are they? I mean, over at the office. Anyway, if you recall, Reagan was a real friend to the Taliban, gave them all those weapons and all that moral support. Yes indeedie, Lester, the CIA under old Ronnie even had Osama Bin Laden organizing teams for foreign Muslim fighters. Can't beat that for on the job training, I suppose."

"I hardly see what that has to do with whether or not Pakistan should be modifying these missiles," said senior diplomatic official Lester Hershelstampman from OSD. "And it is a serious slander you've tossed my way about our beloved former president, Mr. Harry Benson, and I will mentally file it away. Or possibly, when I'm in the neighborhood I'll stop by your Foggy Bottom office and file it up your ass. Maybe I..."

"Boys, boys, please, I must now interrupt, " interrupted Prime Minister Gilani. "I have to strongly protest that the reality is that Pakistan has not modified the Reagan missiles. Those were a very special gift to our nation, and we will never change a thing about them. What your intelligence should have told you is that we've been modifying all the arms we received from the Bush administration. They are really not very good Taliban fighting weapons, and so, as they say, waste not want not. Also too, we really hate India."

"This ingrate, this tin-pot dictator, has got some nerve, folks," stormed unrepentant loudmouth Sean Hannity. "After Pakistan has taken billions of taxpayer dollars from the citizens of this nation, this Gilani has the unmitigated gall to imply that Ronald Reagan's weapons were not worth modifying. Wrong wrong wrong. Reagan had the greatest missiles in the world, and these people aren't worthy of modifying them. I'm mad, mad enough to demand that Congress puts a stop to the next several billion in aid, mad enough to organize a town hall of respectful listeners and shout out the message 'Mister Prime Minister, modify Ronnie's rockets!'.

"Don't touch Ronnie's rockets! Don't touch Ronnie's rockets!" shouted a mentally-dyslexic mob of angry Hannity listeners as they respectfully exited a town hall hastily organized by the Heritage Foundation.

"We have heard the voice of the people, and we are committing to forthright action," said Rep. Jerry Lewis, no not that one, the ranking GOP member of the powerful House Appropriations Committee instead. "We will not let the name of the fortieth president be slandered through a course of partisan inaction, and will introduce legislation to appropriate twelve billion dollars in new funding to help Pakistan modify Ronnie's missiles."

1 comment:

  1. You always take me some place I've never been and would never go by myself, Mark.