Monday, August 31, 2009

McCain reacts to McChrystal report

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, the US Commander for Afghanistan, today offered the Pentagon a downbeat assessment of American progress in the region, comparing the US military to a matador facing a bull-like Taliban which is weakened only slightly with every cut it receives.

"Frankly I don't think that's either a good or useful analogy," said Arizona Senator John McCain. "I prefer to think of our military as the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers playing against Taliban High. Now Taliban High, they've got a scrappy little team and they also have a tendency not to play fair. They always tend to have more than eleven men on the field, for example. And they tell the fans that if they don't cheer for the home team, they'll end up with a missing body part. So those savages definitely have the home team advantage."

"But come on, these are the Pittsburgh Steelers they're playing against. It's just a matter of time before they wear Taliban High down, unless we get too many injuries on the field and have to send in rookies. What we need is a hot new quarterback, one that can move us down the field to victory. Not that there's anything wrong with Roethlisberger, but is he really the guy who can beat Taliban High?"

McChrystal went on to point out the deteriorating security in Afghanistan, and noted that the Afghan army won't be ready to take a lead for at least three years. The police, he admits, will take even longer.

"Longer than three years?" snarled an incredulous McCain. "Well, fuck the police. What sort of flea-bitten brigade are we trying to train up in the first place? I think we need some new blood here. And I'm not talking about the spotty little dribbles of blood that trickle down in some imaginary bullfight. All this talk of bulls and matadors really turns my stomach. They don't even have bullfighting in Afghanistan, and God knows, we don't have it here. What we do have is football, good old all-American NFL football, and the Steelers can beat anybody, even my beloved Arizona Cardinals."

"The situation in Afghanistan is serious," McChrystal said, "but success is achievable and demands a revised implementation strategy, commitment and resolve, and increased unity of effort."

"What sort of defeatist gobbledygook is that?" bellowed McCain, nearly choking on his Gatorade. "Of course we need a freakin' strategy. Eight years and you're just figuring that out? Read my lips, S-U-R-G-E. There's your strategy, not that convoluted West-coast offense. Forget the quarterback situation, what we need is a new coach. Let me say up front that I'm as proud as anyone to finally have a black coach in the league, but I never recall hearing anything negative about the team when the old coach was still here... Of course we didn't have any standout seasons, either... Christ, it's like we're in the fourth quarter of overtime here... As a matter of fact, forget about the coach situation, what we need is a new owner."