True Crime

...and I guess by now, everybody here has seen the headlines, or maybe you're among the ones who wrote them. Some of em were pretty bizarre, but then again, it was a pretty bizarre case.

All I have to add is that I'm sorry that it took the department eighteen years to put all the pieces together. Any more questions for me here?

Yes, Lieutenant. James Olsen from the San Jose Mercury News. I've been reading some overseas reports which indicate that Robot Girls were somehow involved in Garrido's arrest.

Jimmy Olsen, eh? Say, didn't you use to write for the Dailey Planet? Seriously, Mr Olsen, the foreign press sometimes likes to play up the sensational side of things.

So then, I take it that your department is disavowing any and all knowledge of the involvement of these so called Robot Girls?

No... Not exactly. Funny you asked that. Let me take you back to the day of the arrest. I had a couple officers doing undercover with me at the university credit union. They didn't recognized Mr

Garrido right away, but they thought he looked suspicious. That's when someone we can only describe as looking like a 'Robot Girl' walked in, and Garrido took off in a hurry. There was something strange about this person, something that just didn't look real, but it was hard to put your finger on what it was. That's when things started getting even weirder. The door opens and in walks another girl who looks just like the first one, only a little less robotic. Even the first girl looks shocked. I made a mental note that she was dressed somewhat inappropriately for a trip down to the Credit Union.

It made me really stop and scratch my head. I mean, here's a girl that looks like a robot, and in comes a girl that look like the girl that looks like a robot. If it had been two Robot Girls, I woulda figured something peculiar was going on, but now it seemed like maybe it was more of a startling coincidence. And then, just as I'm trying to get my thoughts together, the door opens again.

That's some story, Lieutenant. You're telling me that you were in the Credit Union with a Robot Girl, a girl that looks like the Robot Girl, and Patti Yasutake from 'Star Trek: First Contact'. That's remarkable. But how did that lead you to arrest Garrido.

Good question. You know, my wife says I'm the second smartest guy she ever met, and then she tells me there are a hundred other guys tied for first. But I do have a certain knack for tying things together. I guess it's what they call deduction. You see, when I first saw Ms Yasutake, it made me think of Japan, so I asked myself, what else do they make in Japan? Sushi? Toyotas? The

answer was right there in front of me. You see, when the bride sees Ms Yasutake, she opens her mouth to say 'Live long and prosper'. And her mouth just freezes like that. It reminded me of a rubber novelty doll that my nephew used to have. Long story short, he's no longer on the force. But I could clearly see gears in that open mouth, and I knew right then and there that this was also a Robot Girl.

Fascinating, but I'm afraid I still don't follow.

I know, I can be a little long winded. See, I worry. I mean, little things bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details - I lose my appetite. I can't eat. And right now I was asking myself 'what sort of robot knows Patti Yasutake?' And the answer, of course, is a Japanese robot. So I had the boys at the station do a little digging around, and bingo. Those girls, my friend, were Japanese HRP-4C fashion model robots. They cost $200,000 each, and they can't do anything more useful than wander around a room. As a matter of fact, they're even less functional than my nephew's rubber novelty doll.

Why, what sort of pervert would buy something as ludicrous as that?

The answer, of course, is an insane pervert. The boys accessed the National Insane Pervert Database and there he was, Phillip Garrido, who had been at the scene of the incident earlier. He confessed right away. And it was all because he decided to leave his house in the company of those Robot Girls.

Well, I suppose I should thank you for the good police work, Lieutenant. Still, I can't help but reflect upon the fact that for the past eighteen years the kidnap victim has been camped out right down the street in Garrudo's back yard...

I tell you what I always say, Mr Olsen - sometimes good police work is nothing more than just a little good luck. See ya around. And give my regards to Perry White.

So, Lieutenant, why don't we go down to the Disco Aquarium to get a little drink and celebrate?

What a great idea, fish in a dance floor. Fantastic! Yeah, fantastic!