Wednesday, September 2, 2009

God gives Sanford a big thumbs up

"It's been depressing," South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford told the Washington Times in what they insists on calling an interview, although cynics might describe it as a few dozen words of self-justification (including actual use of the hackneyed phrase 'little white lie') padded by several hundred words of the Time's exposition.

"Dispiriting, destructive and disingenuous, but undeniably devastating. I'm pretty damned despondent," Sanford said, reacting to the fact that not a single solitary Republican has backed him in his efforts to remain in office. "I'm doubly determined to do my duty to defend Democracy, but what do I discover? Devious and diabolically deceptive diatribes, and duplicitous deranged demagoguery."

"I'm through," Sanford continued, "as of today, I'm through with alliteration entirely. Not even a little alliteration. And do you know why? It's because I've got the greatest demagogue of them all on my side - God. Oh yeah. It wasn't mentioned in the mindless mainstream media, needless to say, but it was writ large in 36pt headlines upon the newsprint of my soul, where all who know me may freely read. I feel absolutely committed to the cause, to what God wanted me to do with my life, and he's pretty determined that I strive my hardest to make a damn fool out of myself. Boy, is he mysterious or what?"

Sanford is the first to admit that making a damn fool out of himself has not always been easy. "Not psychologically easy, at any rate. The public perception portion progressed pretty positively, but my priorities prohibit practicing proactive proselytizing pri... Hold on... I'm alliterating again, and I said at the outset that my alliterating days are over... I tend to alliterate when I'm feeling humbled... And I am over all that now."

Indeed, with God in his corner, why should Sanford ever need feel humbled again? That's strictly a rhetorical question. These days, in fact, Sanford has taken to comparing his trials and tribulations to those of a higher being, to the one who was sent to bring truth and understanding to an entire generation lead astray.

The waitress is now blessing him with Denny's finest breakfast, and as Sanford smiles upon his Lumberjack Slam, he bids the Washington Times adieu with these simple words. "I think I now know what Sarah may have been feeling."

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