John McCain's Weird Tales

Cawww! Cawww! Nevermind! Nevermind!

Get on down here, Chucky. As my friend Joe Lieberman would say, 'Oy vey, that's one crazy raven'. We give that bird one simple line of dialogue to learn and he can't get it down. Sort of like Sarah Palin. Ah well, what you gonna do? Good evening, folks, and welcome to another of my Weird Tales, where I journey to the very fringe of reason itself.

They say that when the Doors of Perception swing wide, one cannot tell what lies behind them, for it is different for every man. Eve was the first who dared open those portals on that fateful day when she offered Adam the deadly apple. It seemed like such a good idea, but the consequences were deadly. In tonight's peculiar case, it wasn't an apple but a meatball sub with tainted mushrooms that opened up the Doors of Perception... That stuff makes you stare into the sun... The eater of this meatball sub was a man known as Glenn Beck, a conservative commentator who in my humble opinion steps well outside the bounds of propriety from time to time. So while it was possible for us to speculate as to who or what might have answered the Doorbell of Possibility, no one could have guessed that behind Glenn Beck's Doors of Perception was the Microphone of Megalomania.

They say that no one in his audience ever realized that their host was in a transcendent state; instead, as is their wont, they greeted his words as those of an everyman prophet, with a message that seemed to emanate from their own inner seer. Did all of this really happen, or was I in the midst of a Johnny Mac fever dream? Lets find out now in a new episode of:

Welcome to the first hour of the Glenn Beck Radio Show, fellow scholars. Let's get right down to me. Many of you are aware of the fact that this weekend, in the words of the far-left Huffington Post, 'I got my first scalp'. Did I get a scalp? Their quote, not mine. What I did do was shine the light of truth on a powerful man of questionable character and dubious associations. This is a man who founded the group known as 'Color of Change', a radical organization that would launch their reign of terror by boycotting companies that advertise on the Glenn Beck Radio Show. There were some partial victories for the radicals, as a few cowardly sponsors capitulated. But now that man is gone, my ratings are through the roof, and I shall punish those who deserted me by banning them from ever advertising on my show again. Heh heh. Little joke.

This is Van Jones, Obama's latest Czar for what he calls 'green jobs'. Make that Obama's ex-Czar, because thanks to me, he's already out on his tail. I couldn't tie his scalp to my belt, as the man has very short hair. Jones' long term commitment to Socialism was probably a positive with Obama, as was his proclivity for describing Republicans with an obscene term that my sense of dignity prohibits me from saying here on the Glenn Beck Radio Show. Perhaps you know the word. Let's ask TB in Dallas.

I think the word is asshole, Glenn. You know, I don't believe that Obama would kick this guy to the curb just for saying that Republicans are assholes.

You're absolutely right, TB, because if there is one thing that liberals all value, it's their precious First Amendment.

Yeah, Glenn, but it seems to me that they only like to trot that whole free speech thing out when it's convenient for them. They sure weren't talking free speech when those ACORN guys tried to silence you by getting all your advertisers to abandon the show.

Bingo, TB. Liberals actually hate free speech. No, friends, the real reason that Van Jones was thrown under the bus is because he was outed as a Truther, an individual who believes that the terrible events of 911 were the result of an inside government job, and that the search for WMDs was nothing but a pretext for the invasion and occupation of an oil rich nation. Van Jones was in fact fired for exercising his supposed right to free speech... ironically suffering the very same fate he attempted to inflict on me. Poetic justice, but is the taste of victory still sweet? Alas, no. Friends, we've talked a lot about the Soviet inspired Czars that Barrack Obama has been putting on the public dole, positions that require no input from Congress. All of them are dangerous, but beyond that, some of them are crazy... Or are they?

I'm gonna make a wild guess, Glenn, and say yes they are.

Friends, I had a revelation earlier today as I sat down to my noontime meal. What we in the business sometimes call a 'big idea', and I'm going to see if I can talk it out here with the audience. Help you help me share it. Birthers, Deathers, Teabaggers and Townhallers, in so many ways we're all the same, and we've all been coming together here on the Glenn Beck Show with one common, albeit unspoken goal. And that's why I want to talk about another group that's out there, one that I mentioned a moment ago in relation to Van Jones. As I noted, this group is known as the Truthers. You might not even be aware of it, but chances are that you know one, or have at least unknowingly talked to one. You might even live right next door to one. Let's talk to Beverly in Boston.

You're frightening me, Glenn. How would I even know if I was living right next door to a Truther? Because I think that maybe I do have one right next door...

If you think you've got a Truther living right next door to you, you're probably right! These people are usually quite shy about expressing their minds, as though they're secretly ashamed of their beliefs. The good news, though, is that these people are nothing to fear. In fact, Beverly, the Truthers are much like you.

Like me? How can you say they're like me, Glenn? Those people are certifiably insane. They think that our government is behind a giant conspiracy to hide the truth behind the World Trade Center and WMDs and mass surveillance and torture and everything! They believe that the government is actively trying to deceive the American people! They thought the president was cynically lying to us... Well, the new one is, but you know what I mean.

Indeed I do, Beverly. And I can clearly hear your resistance to what I'm implying. Maybe our next caller can help you get a clue. Tony from Alexandria, you're on the air.

Good to talk to you. I think I like where you're going with this, Glenn, if I'm following you correctly. You're saying that the Birthers and the TownHallers don't trust the Obama government, and that the Truthers don't trust the Bush government, and what they don't seem to understand is that they're really seeing two different faces of the very same thing...

Go on Tony, I think you're explaining this to Beverly better that I ever could. I believe what you are getting at here is the common ground that exists between these seemingly disparate groups.

Right. So what I'm saying is that instead of not trusting each other's government, why don't we get together and not trust any government? I mean, I'm a long time New World Order guy, and I haven't trusted the government since way back in 1991... I just don't talk about it much... People tend to treat you like you've got some sort of disease...

Maybe that disease you have is knowledge, Tony, and maybe that disease should be shared with as many people as possible. I think we're getting close to solving this puzzle, folks. Richard in McLean, can you give us a match?

Your face and Bill Clinton's soul, Glenn... You're playing with fire here, buddy boy.

I think that what our friend Richard here was trying to say, before he was mysteriously cut off, is that all of us are united by our fear and distrust of the same government. Birthers, Deathers, Truthers, Teabaggers, New World Orderers, Townhallers, we are all the same and by joining forces we can only grow larger, stronger and bolder.

Whoa! What an insidious yet irresistible ideal. But you know what word rhymes with irresistible - combustible. At least it rhymes on paper, when you're looking at it. To me. But this idea couldn't possibly work, could it? Let's skip to hour two of the Glenn Beck Radio Show, already in progress... What?... A commercial break?...Jeez, here I am still waiting to find out if this is a dream and you tell me... Okay, take five...

...to be continued...