Wednesday, September 9, 2009

roundup begins

The worst fears of conservatives were confirmed this morning as FEMA officials began rounding up thousands of children who did not attend yesterday's televised indoctrination speech by Barrack Obama. They will be temporarily held in secret regional re-education camps until they have heard and fully understand the message from the president. To insure that the kids have a full appreciation of the gravity of their situation, the text of the speech will be delivered by Mr T, who plans on visiting four regions a week. Afterwards, in order to obtain their release, the students will have to pass a written essay test which will be graded by readers of the Daily Kos.

"Some of them don't even know how to write an essay, but they gonna learn," said Mr T. "Little childrens have to understand that it's wrong to disobey the president. He told them when and where to attend. Maybe their parents wrote them some notes to get them excused, I don't know, but they gotta get their priorities straight. Mr Obama gave them every opportunity, opportunity that I never had as a young person. Still I straightened up, learned to fly right, and now I got a government job."

Parents whose children were absent yesterday due to illness have three days to present a notarized doctor's excuse to their local FEMA representative. The only students being included in today's roundup were the whiners who were in school yesterday but submitted parental excuses or simply skipped the speech. Or were in any way disruptive, as was the case with eight year old Dexter Dillard.

"I was worried about the possibility that he might laugh," said Dexter's mother Sarah Dillard. "But when the principle called and told me that he had made a fart noise, I just burst into tears. I knew for sure he was sunk. Now little Dexter is going to be locked up in Region 79 until he learns how to write an essay. Oh Lord..."

"I pity the fool that's locked up in Region 79," said Mr T. "I won't be there for nearly twenty weeks."

One decision that still seems unclear at this point is what to do about school supervisors who refused to permit Obama's indoctrination speech from being televised at their schools. "I really don't know for sure at this point," said one unnamed Administration official. "We're leaving that decision up to the death panels."


  1. Now I'm laughing.

    Thanks for the uplift, Mark.


    "I was worried about the possibility that he might laugh," said Dexter's mother Sarah Dillard.