Monday, September 21, 2009

Romney suspects voter fraud

After being bested once again by "that backwoods squirrel eater", former Governor Mitt Romney is accusing former Governor Mike Huckabee of bribing attendees at the annual Values Voters Summit with "cheap spiritual trinkets and free passes to his weekend FOX News talk show" in order to win their esteemed 2012 Straw Poll.

"There were over 1800 attendees at the Summit," complained Romney, "and I'm supposed to believe that only 74 thought that I should be the next president? Excuse me, that's just downright ridiculous."

"Aw, come on Mitt, that's not so bad," consoled Values Voter organizer Tony Perkins. "You whumped Tim Pawlenty. He only got 73 votes. Course he's not technically an former governor yet, so he can't quite meet your standard of pandering."

"Tim Pawlenty, Christ in Heaven, what's he been in the public eye, around five minutes so far?"

"Well, you know how people always like the flavor of the week. Here's one that should make you feel better. You beat Sarah Palin by two votes, and she's an excellent panderer. Course, she didn't come down to the Summit like you did to do any pandering in person."

"And yet, there she is, only two votes out of second place... Second place to a winner who came to fame by writing a blasted diet book, I might add."

"Now be fair, Mitt. You said yourself that you knew him cause he used to fry up squirrels in his popcorn popper."

"I know him because I ran against him in the 2008 Republican primary, Perkins. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, now I remember. You were that Mormon fellow we were all suspicious of."

"I'm still that Mormon fellow."

"Not so loud, Mitt. Not that any of give a hoot about that sort of thing. Some of us just don't like having Joseph Smith shoved down our throats, that's all. At least you're not a secret Muslim like some people I could mention. "

"You're equating Mormons and Muslims?"

"Now don't go putting words in my mouth, Mitt. After all, you did beat Mike Pence by three votes, and he's a good Evangelical Christian."

"No one's ever even heard of Mike Pence."

"Well, I have - He's a good Evangelical Christian. Course you're right about about the average man in the pew not knowing him. I figure that's why Mr. Huckabee ground his face into the dirt in the... I mean, why Huck defeated him by even three more votes than he slightly defeated you."

"So tell me, Perkins, just how many votes doe this total out to."

"Give me a second... Got to add in Santorum, he got 15... Ron Paul... Bobby Jindal... and old Newt got 40, not at all bad for a pagan... Hey, you beat undecided, too! Uh, let's see... Carry the one... That's around 540 votes."

"So that's prima facie evidence that this election was rigged. You destroyed 1260 of my votes."

"Now don't be so paranoid, Mitt. Some of those votes were for Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, whose names weren't even on the ballot, but the majority was people who just didn't vote cause they were disgusted by the lot of you."

"Oh... Whew, that's great news, Perkins. All I've got to do is campaign a little harder and it's 'White House here I come'!"

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't quit your day job."

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