New Afghanistan

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, lead US commander in Afghanistan, has ordered troops to pull out of the scarier wilderness areas of the troublesome country and to concentrate instead on the more civilized populated regions which the US might at least have a small chance in hell of defending. "As that senile old bastard Donald Rumsfeld used to say, you've got to fight the war you've got, not the war you wish you had," explains McChrystal. "That's why I'm announcing the creation of a more streamlined country, New Afghanistan, which is just about the right size for our current needs and purposes. Forget the extra troops. If this baby flies, I'm pretty sure we can defend it." New Afghanistan will include Kabul, the capital and largest city, and will stretch all the way down to the always popular trading port of Kandahar. "Really, New Afghanistan has everything you could ask for in a country," says McChrystal. "Aside from a half dozen of the biggest cities, it's got a river, a couple of reasonably nice roads, and a number of the old country's best restaurants. We're urging everyone who's not a member of the Taliban or an associate of al-Qaeda to move on in post haste. We're not ordering them, mind you, just suggesting it. After all, it's a free country. At least New Afghanistan is. In theory, anyway."