Friday, October 16, 2009

Holder: 'Wishful thinking'

Attorney General Eric Hold today dismissed Rush Limbaugh's claim that 'Obama's America' was responsible for smashing his NFL ownership dream. Limbaugh had also claimed that along with Citibank and General Motors, Obama's America would soon own the NFL.

"I don't know, it's not like I just felt like fucking with Rush or anything," Holder chuckled. "I just wished that he wasn't trying to get into the football business. That's all, there's no conspiracy. And let me state up front that it's not all that unusual for NFL officials to hear from the Justice Department, seeing as they're involved in so many major anti-trust cases. Sorry, Rush, but your charge of the Obama administration's involvement is nothing but wishful thinking."

"Anyway, as I was saying to my buddy Mo last week - you know, DeMaurice Smith, executive director of the NFL Players Association? He used to work for me... So we were talking, and I was telling him how distressed I was with the possibility of Limbaugh being an owner. And Mo said, 'I know what you mean, Mr Holder, I wish there was something I could do about the situation'. And I said, I empathize with you too, Mo, I wish there was something I could do for you guys and your collective-bargaining negotiations."

"Well you know what they say, 'wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one gets filled first'. Except, I guess, in my case, it was the wish hand that got filled up."


In related news, Washington Redskin coach Jim Zorn announced changes in the team's line-up for Sunday's game against Kansas City. Replacing quarterback Jason Campbell will be Barack Obama, and replacing the offensive line will be five Secret Service agents charged with protecting the quarterback.

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