Saturday, October 17, 2009

Limbaugh's football injury

Rush Limbaugh is recovering at a Palm Springs hospital from near fatal cranial damage suffered when the famed talk show host learned that Paul Pelosi, spouse of the House Speaker, had purchased a professional football team. His condition is listed as stable.

"That's his physical condition, obviously, not his mental condition, which at the moment is touch and go," said Stan Pulaski, a senior spokesman for the Desert Regional Medical Center's Brain Trauma Unit. "Psychologically and emotionally he was pretty devastated by the Pelosi deal. Having just had his own dream of being part owner of the St Louis Rams stomped by the NFL's liberal cabal, he simply could not get his mind around the staggering level of injustice now emerging from Obama's America. His head came quite close to exploding."

Luckily for Limbaugh, Desert Regional is home to Red Cardigan, one of the finest sports doctors in the business.

"I knew I had to quickly cut through the haze, and talk him through his agitation," said Cardigan, who in recent years has successfully worked with noted sports head cases such as Mike Tyson, Terrell Owens and Dennis Rodman. "I tried telling him the team was the California Redwoods, but he muttered 'doesn't sound like a real team', and I had to agree with him on that. I mean, what kind of a name is the California Redwoods? Sure doesn't make me think of football. Of course, neither does the Cincinnati Bengals, but that's another story. Limbaugh obviously thought I was talking about trees."

"Then I tried repeating that it was the United Football League, the UFL not the NFL. He would hear me and whisper Obama Football League. It said in his chart that he thought the president was trying to take over professional football, so I guess his response mad a certain amount of sense. That's when my real training as a sports doctor kicked in. I remembered that one of the other four teams in the UFL was the Florida Tuskers, so I mentioned that, and he kind of blinked and sputtered. That's when I knew we were out of the woods. Apparently he had mocked them on his show a few weeks earlier."

Although Rush may have mocked the Florida Tuskers in days gone by, with Pelosi joining the ranks of UFL owners, he is no longer laughing. Limbaugh spokesman Bo Snerdly states that Rush easily has the funds to purchase a controlling interest in all six of the bargain basement franchises the league plans to add in 2010. "And he might just do it," says Snerdley, "in order to pursue his new dream of destroying the NFL."


  1. Given the Bengals' nearly 2 decades of ineptness, I have to concede that "Cincinnati Bengals" doesn't make you think of professional football (Name two large US cities without a professional football team: L.A. and Cincinnati). Okay, but the Bengals (4 - 1) are turning it around. From now on all those jokes go to Cleveland.
    Good post.

  2. I would use the Redskins if it didn't hurt so bad... Still, the Bengals win in the worst name category.