Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Last Broadcast

Item: al-Qaeda is now facing it's worst financial crisis in years.

"...and now, live from the outskirts of wouldn't you like to know you stinking infidels, the Global Islamic Media Front is proud to present The Voice of the Caliphate Show, with our host, the most exalted potentate of al-Qaeda International, Osama bin Laden!"

[cue: 'Brick House' by the Commodores]

[OBL]: Good evening, everybody!


[OBL]: Whoa! Thank you! And thank you, Raheej, for that fabulous introduction! And let me assure you that much like that house of brick, we are mighty mighty, but we are not letting it all hang out, indeed we are not. This is the word of truth in the face of all that is void! Now let me hear those Lions of Allah!

[cue: 'Oink... Oink... Oink oink oink']

[OBL]: In the name of all that is holy, what vile sacrilege have you perpetrated upon us now, Raheej?

[Raheej]: It is the mighty lions of Allah!

[OBL]: I am tempted to assure you with the lash that those were in fact swine, not the mighty lions of Allah.

[Raheej]: Perhaps we could not afford the mighty lions of Allah any longer with our coffers as bare as they have become.

[OBL]: Or perhaps it was meant as an oblique reference to our porcine competitors over at Radio Taliban who are beating us badly in our fundraising efforts. Not that I would ever call the Taliban swine, but I ran into Mullah Omar last week and he smelled like he had been vacationing at a Bob Evans... Bob Evans. They are a chain of ham and sausage restaurants that are held in high esteem by the infidels... Hello, is this thing on?

[Raheej]: Forgive me if I am the first one to break this news to you, but we can no longer afford the luxury of a studio audience. The applause at the top of the show was pre-recorded. See, I just push this little button, like so.


[OBL]: Oh... Well, do you not have one that will simulate the sound of laughter?

[Raheej]: Indeed I do, and it is a button that I shall push just as soon as you introduce a moment of levity.

[OBL]: But I said that Mullah Omar smells like a Bob Evans. That was clearly a moment of levity.

[Raheej]: Perhaps to you it was, but I consider it in poor taste to slander a fellow Jihadist. And now, with the Taliban's popularity rapidly eclipsing our own, I fear that it smacks of sour grapes. Nevertheless, you are the boss. Here you go.


[OBL]: Nevermind! Now it feels as though you are laughing at me, not with me... You know, Raheej, because of money, I had to let the writers go last week.

[Raheej]: Would that also explain my paycheck's mysterious inability to clear?

[OBL]: Yes it would. And that is why I am asking that all of the many viewers of The Voice of the Caliphate Show call in and make a pledge now. Praise Allah, even if it's as little as 100 Rupees, you can make a difference by keeping this show alive, so that we can continue our important mission of ridding the world of infidels. Our highly skilled operators are waiting now for your call, so just take a...


[OBL]: Do not play that laugh sound at me!

[Raheej]: Forgive me, but I was certain that you were jesting when you implied that we still retained highly skilled operators.

[OBL]: No... I did not know... I guess... Where is the camera crew? We are not even recording this show, are we?

[Raheej]: Indeed we are. Akbar is getting it all on his cell phone.

[Akbar]: The truth requires me to admit that my damnable phone will only record two minutes. The good news is that I was able to capture the Bob Evans joke. Good one, Osama.

[OBL]: Sigh... Well, I suppose that this is it... The very last broadcast of The Voice of the Caliphate Show...

[Akbar]: Technically speaking, that would have been last week's episode...

[Raheej]: No, week before last. They cut off our Satellite feed at the first of the month. I do have it on video, though.

[OBL]: I guess... I guess that I will try to slip back to Saudi Arabia for a while... Do a little fund raising... For old times sake, Raheej, play me on out with those mighty lions of Allah.

[Raheej]: Certainly.

[cue: 'Oink... Oink... Oink oink oink']