Saturday, October 24, 2009

still insane

African bishops, noting the need to have more 'saints' in public office, have issued a statement calling for unsaintly politicians to either repent or resign.

“Many Catholics in high office have fallen woefully short in their performance in office,” the bishops wrote in what could rightfully be called the understatement of the year. "The synod calls on such people to repent, or quit the public arena and stop causing havoc to the people and giving the Catholic Church a bad name."

"My first instinct was to hunt them down like rabid monitor lizards and have their bones ground into mealie meal," said insane Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe. "That was my second instinct as well, although there was a part of me that felt such an action would not be in keeping with my standing as a good Catholic. And besides, these bishop are forever hiding behind the skirts of the Pope. Skirts, vestments, it is all the same to me. Why is it that the Pope, with all his riches, is unable to invest in a quality dark suit? Never mind, it is of no matter to me. And besides, upon closer examination, I find that they did not actually call me out by name."

"Still, repentance or resignation, it is a puzzlement worth pondering. There are those who say that I have single-handedly destroyed a once great nation, although I maintain that it is in reality a rebuilding process. Just last month we re-opened the wheel factory. I tell you, Zimbabwe is really rolling along."

"In my opinion, these bishops, who chatter about me incessantly, have been unduly influenced by the accursed Sunday Parade Magazine. Every year they put me on their libelous list of the World's Top 10 Insane Dictators. Every year, I tell you, not that it is of personal concern to me. I'm 85 and I have a legacy to maintain. Still, I thought I was making progress, and would soon fall off of their laughable list, but this year they made me number one - the very worst insane dictator in the world! Do you know how hard it is to be number one in anything? It is difficult to know whether to be honored or appalled."

"But not being an arrogant ruler, I do not wish to assert my perfection. I am sure there are things I could have done better. I repent. There, I said it, and I shall say it again. I repent, and I await my sainthood. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some bishops to chase down like I would a bewitched leper."

1 comment:

  1. Slightly rephrased, this could be the latest papal bull from Benedict.