courtesy call

"Good afternoon, Mr Cheney. They told me you've been waiting on hold." "Eight and a half goddamn minutes. What could you possibly be doing that's so important that you would keep the former president on hold for eight and a half minutes?" "I was, uh, talking to Prime Minister Netanyahu. We've got an important meeting a little later today." "You're talking to him now about a meeting you've got later today? What kind of fool thing is that to do?" "I was checking to see if Hillary could... It's not important. What's on your mind?" "You bet your ass it's not important. If there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that there is absolutely no sense in trying to discuss a goddamn thing with Israel except money or arms. You think you're going to be some kind of peacemaker?" "That's hard to say, but my administration owes it to the world to at least give it a try." "Here's my advice. You need to think of Israel like a psychotic wife that you're forced to stick with for the good of the kids. Capiche?" "Well, as usual that's some interesting advice. Thanks for calling, and I hope to..." "That's not why I'm calling." "Go ahead, then. I've got about five minutes tops." "You broke my record of keeping the goddamn country safe from terrorism. Eight long years I kept it safe." "Look, I think you're including one of my years in there. And besides, we're not yet calling the Fort Hood incident terrorism." "An incident? You're calling Fort Hood a fucking incident? That was a terrorist attack." "Whatever you say, Cheney. We're studying the matter closely." "I warned everybody this would happen. You ignored me, but then, so did America. You need to attack somebody ASAP." "And who is it that you think I need to attack, the US Army? Maybe you think I should attack the Army with the Marines." "In spite of their greater fighting ability, the Marines would be vastly outnumbered. Don't you understand the first thing about military strategy, Nimrod?" "No, I guess not... Who's Nimrod?" "Nimrod was the foolish great grandson of Noah who went on to become the goddamn King of Shinar. Don't hear much about Shinar anymore, do you?" "You've got me there. Listen, it's been interesting talking to you, but I've got to..." "I'm not finished. Why don't you go and ask your good buddy Benjamin Netanyahu who he thinks you should attack." "I think I know exactly where this conversation is going. Thank you for the call, but I..." "No way. I'm faster than you'll ever be. Goodbye."