Tuesday, November 10, 2009

John Allen Muhammad's Last Meal

AFP? What the hell is that? Suddenly I'm hungry for a fish platter.

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has refused clemency for convicted sniper/terrorist John Allen Muhammad, removing the last obstacle to his execution later tonight. Virginia, being for lovers, is a particularly humane state, offering not only a choice of last meals, but also a choice between lethal injection and the electric chair. Muhammad, as usual, was of two minds on the topic, ultimately deciding to go with the warden's recommendation.

"That's it, fool," said John Allen Muhammad, "even the Governor has turned your sorry ass down. You might as well make a decision on what you would you would like for your last meal."

"I am currently leaning towards the McRib Sandwich," replied John Allen Muhammad. "With a large order of fries, two apple pies, and a super-sized diet Coke."

"Perhaps you have lost track of the seasons as well as your senses, John Allen Muhammad. The McRib is available for a limited time only, and will not be available again until April."

"Ah hah, my self, as you can see I am always thinking." John Allen Muhammad said cunningly. "In order to honorably fulfill my final request, they will have to delay my execution, and I shall have an extra six months to work on a brilliant new appeal."

"It may have escaped your notice that there is no one left to appeal to," scoffed John Allen Muhammad. "And your desire for eating a McRib is likely to be a futile one. My reading of the Virginia state code leads me to believe that they will only honor your last request if it is deemed to be a reasonable one."

"By that harsh interpretation, I suppose that my second choice of the all you can eat buffet at the Golden Corral would be seen as unreasonable as well. Am I correct in my assumption, John Allen Muhammad?"

"On the contrary, I believe that they would agree to bring you a carry out box from the Golden Corral. But with so many different items on their menu, I fear that you would have trouble deciding what in fact to choose. And as you well know, John Allen Muhammad, not all of the menu items are available on a daily basis."

"That is true," sighed John Allen Muhammad. "I believe that I will just go with the warden's recommendation."

"Curse you, John Allen Muhammad. I was hungry for pizza."


  1. What's a Muhammad doin' orderin' a pork sandwich? Wouldn't that be a mortal sin?