Sunday, December 27, 2009

Houston woman recovering

Fifty-eight year old Houston resident Mary Beth Bopkins has been released from the Lyndon B Johnson Panic Center, where she had been hospitalized since Thursday after receiving the worst Anniversary present ever. Bopkins was traumatized on Christmas eve when she opened a large gift-wrapped package from her husband Larry and discovered a boogalooing Michael Steele.

"I suppose it should have been strangely hilarious," said Mary Beth, "But believe me, it was not. As soon as I untied the ribbon, this weird man popped out and began gyrating. I was afraid that he might poke my eye out, and having experienced that particular trauma once before, I was not eager to see it happen again."

"I don't mean to imply that Michael Steele has poked my eye out before," Ms Bopkins clarified. "That particular unpleasantness happened when I was a teenager, attending a shindig which featured the Fantastic Johnny C - who, by the way, was not all that fantastic. Nevertheless, the experience did instill within me a fear of the boogaloo which I've never quite been able to shake."

Mary Beth's husband Larry feels just terrible about all of this.

"I feel just terrible about all of this," says Mr Bopkins. "Mary Beth and me got married on December 24th back in 1998, and I guess that since we're in the midst of the holiday season, right smack dab in between Zappadan and Christmas, I try to make our anniversary a little special by going with the traditional anniversary gifts. This being the eleventh, you're supposed to give the gift of steel, and when I heard Glenn Beck advertising his 'Big Box of Steel', I thought that would be perfect. He said that steel had gone up 120 percent since 2001, and he owned it himself... Heck, I don't know what to say except that I tried to please my woman with something nice and it didn't work out. Maybe I should just start going with flowers. Last year the traditional gift was aluminum. I gave Mary Beth the deluxe gift can of Spam and she cut off the tip of her pinky opening it."

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