WAR ON CHRI... never mind

A Massachusetts family's Christmas was absolutely ruined this week when they discovered that their second-grade son had not been suspended from school for drawing a delightful holiday picture of Jesus on a cross. The family, which enjoyed a good twenty-four hours of fame in the right wing media, had hoped to score some 'War on Christmas' settlement cash to help finance a very special yuletide season. Initial reports had indicated that the boy was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation and suspended, when, after being requested by the teacher to draw something that reminded him of Christmas, he naughtily came up with the crucifix. Alas, it was not so. "The school is telling me they never asked nobody to draw nothing and that my kid wasn't even suspended," said Chester Johnson, the boy's father. "Damn, I hate getting gamed by a seven year old. And don't I look the fool? I'm out there saying that I want a lump sum settlement and a full scholarship for my son, and now I'm getting sued for fraud by Bill O'Reilly." "The report was totally inaccurate," said school superintendent Julie Hackett, "although I can't fault the Johnson family for trying for a payday. I mean, it is the holiday season. But I'll tell you something, it's a good thing we don't grade on artistic ability or I'd know a little boy who was going to repeat second grade." "Ain't that the truth," says a shame-faced Thompson. "That picture is in all the papers and on the TV and now the whole world knows that my boy can't draw worth a crap. It's embarrassing. A three year old could do better work. Look at this thing, Xs for eyes, neck as long as a giraffe, and just one leg that looks like it's standing in a milkshake or something. And that cross has got to be, what, fifty feet high? My kid's got no sense of perspective, and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to doubt that it's even really Jesus. Next thing you know I'll be seeing the Virgin Mary on my pancakes. Still... I gotta wonder how much it would bring on eBay."