Right again

He has been mocked and reviled, but mainly just mocked. Howard Camping, however, will still have the last guffaw, and it most assuredly will be a hearty one. For while the foolish amongst us continue to belittle his apocalyptic predictions, Harold Camping knows the truth - Judgment Day really did happen 6:00 PM May 21, 2011, right on schedule.   "We've always said May 21 was the day," Camping explained on Family Radio International, "but we didn't understand altogether the spiritual meaning." And the spiritual meaning is that everybody really was judged, God just didn't make a big brouhaha out of it.   "It was a very difficult weekend," Camping admits. "Very difficult. "People want spectacle. I can understand that. I wanted spectacle, too. I wanted to fly through the air with my friends and family while the vast majority of the world's population was consumed by fire beneath me. But we'll all get our spectacle on October 21st when the Earth really will be totally obliterated. That's not to say that there won't be plenty of earthquakes and floods and tornados and other sundry disasters over the next five months, it just means that the Lord has decided against any really big production numbers. He apparently has little interest in competing with the likes of Michael Bay."   Camping realizes that there are those who, following his failed 1994 doomsday prediction and a raptureless Saturday, will react to his latest world destruction deadline with skepticism. As a matter of fact, he predicted as much.   "Another successful prophecy," he chuckles, "so there's really no reason to be skeptical of my explanation about last Saturday. An invisible judgment? What's so hard to believe about that? Even mortal men make judgments all the time without any visible signs, so it's not all that hard to imagine the Creator could pronounce six billion of these verdicts in a twenty-four hour span. However, for the cynics among you, I hold in my hand a copy of the Lord's own accounts receivable ledger, which contains the names of everyone scheduled to be raptured October 21st. I'd show it to you but the print is really tiny, and besides, it's a loaner copy."   With the end times absolutely positively less than five months away, Camping feels no regret for followers who liquidated their earthly goods and now face the prospect of working an extra job for a few months. He believes they'll be just fine, although he predicts that some of them may file frivolous lawsuits against them, while further predicting that the world will be destroyed before they ever reach the docket. He intends to keep a low profile with no further warnings because why bother?   "I mean really, you're either in the good Lord's account receivables or you're not," he says logically. "All of the damned should just go ahead and sin their heads off. And those of you who consider themselves saved, I think I spy a short term escape clause for you too."

God answers Michele

The Financial Issues Stewardship Ministry is a peculiarly American blend of religion and Capitalism, an organization that has developed a "Biblically-responsible system of managing and picking stocks with great success". A "ministry to help people make good financial decisions," they traffic in Christian oriented financial books and newsletters, so of course they've got a radio show hosted by founder and Dan Cella. There probably is no more perfect guest for such a show than Michele Bachman, who appeared this week to ask for very special prayers.   "I am asking your listeners to now please pray for me and my husband and my team," Bachmann beseeched the multitude who listen religiously to Cella. "Ask that the Lord will give us a special anointing on how to put our team together, who those team people will be, that he would bring those people to us. It won't be easy, it will be a very, very difficult fight. If this is something that the Lord has called us to, he will make a way where there is no way, and so we're asking for that prayer."   "I am so not going there," replied the Deity, winking and speaking from stage left. "If she had asked Me privately instead of trying to involve Dan Cella's multitude of listeners, I still would not give this woman political advice. Even Jim Morrison was wise enough to know you cannot petition the Lord with prayer. Oh My Me, the gall of this woman."   "You know, when I think about it, she's not even asking for political advice, she's looking for someone to put her whole organization together for her. She's right about one thing, however, this is going to be a very, very difficult fight. Hey, here's some advice, Michele - you need to keep that prayer for yourself because otherwise you don't have one."   "Being gracious, even though I won't give her advice, I will give her a clue. Get a personnel director. There. Prayer somewhat answered. It doesn't matter, though. She'll end up doing exactly what she wants and then saying it was my decision. Even when they don't like my advice, they love to drop My name."

'This Week' with Christiane Amanpour

"The link between politics and the pulpit has always been strong. And one no one has been a spiritual adviser to more presidents than the Reverend Billy Graham. Unfortunately, Billy Graham is a very old man and was unable to join us this Easter Sunday. Still, we thought it would be appropriate to have some politically connected religious figure on our show today, and since we had Graham on our mind anyway, we've invited his son Franklin. As well as being a prominent Islamophobe, Franklin is well know for introducing the theory that President Obama is a Muslim Apostate. I'm Christiane Amanpour, ABC News. Reverend Graham, thank you very much, indeed, for joining us." "Thank you, Christiane. You're right about one thing - My dad is a very old man. Sometimes it's like he's sticking around just so I won't be able to carry on his legacy."   "Reverend Graham, what's the idea that you most dearly associate with Easter?"   "Ham, Christiane, a big old Smithfield ham. But beyond that, it's the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for me."   "You have also said that we live in the time of the anti-Christ."   "Well sure, Christiane. I mean, he's in the White House right now as we speak. At least metaphorically. I suppose that since it is Easter, he could be making a token appearance in church."   "You have said that so many of these earth-shattering events that we're experiencing over the last few years, whether it's natural disasters, wars, or whatever it is, it's almost like the labor pains for the second coming."   "I would call that a no-brainer, Christiane. We're definitely in the latter days, whether that means a few months or few thousand years, I don't know. I guess a lot will depend on how the anti-Christ does in next years election."   "It's quite a leap you've made, Reverend Graham, from calling the president a Muslim Apostate to calling him the anti-Christ."   "Actually, the part about the anti-Christ is pure speculation on my part. It may be that that's only true metaphorically."   "You have traveled to Haiti with Sarah Palin."   "What about it?"   "Is she the kind of candidate you would like to see run for election? Would she be your candidate of choice?"   "Bwahahahaha... Good one, Christiane. We might be better off with the anti-Christ. Metaphorically, I mean."   "Well, there are people in right now. Would you support Mitt Romney, would you support..."   "I've met Mitt Romney. No question he is a... he's a very capable person. For a Mormon. Let's talk about Donald Trump. When I first saw that he was getting in, I thought, well, this has got to be a joke. But the more you listen to him, the more you say to yourself, you know? Maybe the guy's right."   "Are you crazy? He might be your candidate of choice?"   "Yes to both questions, Christiane. I don't agree with the philosophy that says you're better off with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. At least metaphorically."   "We've been talking to Franklin Graham, man of many metaphors. Reverend, thanks for joining us this Easter Sunday."   "Thank you, Christiane. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a big old Smithfield ham calling me home."

somebody wants a fatwa

"I categorically deny that I am a contemptible motherfucker," declared Pastor Terry Jones in the wake of a violent 20,000 person strong Afghani riot that killed at least a dozen people, seven of which were U.N. workers. "I take words literally, and that describes an act that I have never indulged in. By the same token, I deny being a despicable son of a bitch. There are those who have called me a loathsome bastard, but I have a birth certificate that proves them wrong. I am not quibbling with people's choices of adjectives, but their nouns are way off base."   In case you missed it - and the Afghanis most assuredly did not - the odious miscreant who gained worldwide attention by threatening to burn a Koran at his 'church' last summer quietly made good on his threat last week, with the resultant violent reaction just now beginning to fan out across the Middle East.   "Odious miscreant? I like that," said Jones. "It more accurately describes me as an individual. But let me ask you honestly, was this particular act really so horrible? All I did was host a little church social where we put the Koran on trial. When we found it guilty, we had no choice other than to punish it. Think about it. You couldn't really call it a trial, if there wasn't a punishment, so we sentenced it to death and executed it. Soaked that vile book in kerosene, put it on a metal tray, and lit it up with a barbeque lighter. Then we all danced around the fire in a circle and masturbated."   As might be expected, the depraved asshole takes no responsibility for the repercussions of his actions, claiming that Muslims "used the Koran burning as an excuse to promote their violent activities".   "I categorically deny that I am a depraved asshole," replies Jones. "I have an asshole but it is not the totality of my being. Lets just stick with odious miscreant and call it a day."

Beck reveals hand of God or Gaia or Whatever

Glenn Beck today became the first celebrity lunatic to publicly blame some deity or another on the tragic catastrophes in Japan.   "What God does is God's business, I have no idea," he told his vast radio audience before going on to reveal that of course he had some idea. Not only that, he had the exact text. "I'll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus - there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just sayin'."   The stuff we're doing should stop being done, remarkable words from a remarkable man, yet Beck could not accept his own counsel, choosing instead to continue his customary course of giving totally nonsensical advice. "Make sure you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times," he suggested, fully aware of his listeners proclivity for driving with their feet hanging out the window. "Things are gonna get bumpy and, just a few reminders there at the beginning as this rollercoaster takes off, always a good safety tip: Keep your arms and legs in." Oh. A rollercoaster, not an automobile... I suppose his guidance is equally valid for either scenario. "Don't do anything stupid," Glenn continued, a Sisyphean command seemingly beyond the ability of any good Beckian. "What do you say we follow the big top ten. You can call them Moses' ten commandments, or ten rules of Um. What do you say we start doing those things? Because the things we are doing really suck and they're not getting better."   "That just sounds like crazy talk to me," said Evangelist Pat Robertson. "I mean, the very first Rule of Um is 'Thou shall consume no condiments that have not been individually packaged'. I don't think that would have spared the people of Japan. I don't think anything would have. The quaking of the earth, the wrath of the ocean, the reaming of the mountaintop, and the melting of the fuel rods... It's pretty clear that God was determined to rid the Japanese people of their Buddha worship once and for all."

Westboro Blues

Joining us now on FOX News Sunday is attorney Marge Phelps, the deplorable daughter of the deplorable Fred Phelps, pastor of the deplorable Westboro Baptist Church. Ms Phelps recently won her first amendment argument in front of the Supreme Court, but today she's in the news for another reason.

That's right, Chris. I got a lot of attention for publicly saying something that pretty much everybody already knew - the nine justices on the Supreme Court are all going to burn in Hell.

Don't you think that's a little harsh? They just ruled in your favor, guaranteeing your right to disrupt any funeral that you wish to.

That's true, Chris, but they still are a bunch of Catholics and Jews who defend homosexuality and abortion, so I hardly think my judgment is nearly as harsh as God's will be.

But all nine? Do you believe even Justices Thomas and Scalia will be cast into the lake of fire?

I have no objective indicator otherwise. The default for mankind is hell. Unless you bring forth fruits meet for repentance, the assumption is that you will end up in hell when you quit your life on this earth. You know who will be joining the Supreme Court in eternal torment? Barack Obama. There, I said it.

Yes you did, right here on FOX News. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day so I hate to challenge you, but are you absolutely sure all the justices and the president are going to burn?

Absolutely Chris. That's a big 10-4. I already answered on the justices. The president is going to be king of the world before this is all said and done, and he is most likely the Beast spoken of in the revelation. You really can't get much more damned than that.

Okay. Just for fun I thought we would show you pictures of some famous people and get your opinion on their chances in the afterlife. Let's start with House Majority Leader John Boehner.

Oh my, why even ask? He's a smoker, a drinker, a profaner, and he plays golf on Sundays. You know who'll be escorting him to Hell? His little Jewish sidekick Eric Cantor.

Pelosi? Please, don't even show me anybody else from the House... My dad calls it the whore House, and I agree and so does God.

Sean Hannity? He's double damned. Not only is he a Catholic, he's said some very unkind things about Westboro Baptist Church.

Rob Zombie? I would be quite surprised if he doesn't end up being cast into the bottomless pit.

Glenn Beck? I can sum it up for you in one word, Chris - Mormon.

PeeWee? He's already done his time in Hell, Chris, so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay in the afterlife. Not positive, but pretty sure.

Puh-lease, Chris.

Rahm Emanuel? He'll be working in Hell as the main doorman.

Get that harlot's picture away from me, Chris. If Obama is indeed the AntiChrist, Sarah Palin is his devil bitch-dog Jezebel.

Well, Ms Phelps, we've gone through about ten people and you've pretty much condemned them all to Hell.

I didn't condemn them, Chris, they condemned themselves. Besides, I said I thought that PeeWee would probably be alright. Do you want to know about your own eternal fate?

No.

We'll be back after a commercial break with Senators Orin Hatch, John McCain, and John Kerry.

Hell. Hell. And Hell.

Male Catholic prostitutes rejoice

Male Catholic prostitutes around the world are celebrating, following a slight relaxation of Vatican rules on the use of condoms for anything other than making balloon animals or ingesting small quantities of cocaine for international transport.   "There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility," Pope Benedict said in an interview excerpted yesterday by L’Osservatore Romano. "Those perverts are already damned, so I suppose that throwing in a rubber isn't going to make much of a difference."   The Pope partially walked back these comments today after receiving some rather shocking news from Cardinal Jean-Pierre Ricard, the French archbishop of Bordeaux.   "It has come to my attention that there is a subspecies of male prostitutes sometimes referred to as gigolos," said the shaken Primate of Italy. "Hard as it may be to believe, these are male prostitutes that have unholy intercourse with women, often with women who may still have the capability of becoming pregnant. Furthermore, even though it is surely the usual case, there are a certain number of these male prostitutes who may not already be inflicted with AIDS. So to clarify my earlier remarks, there may be a basis in the case of some individuals, such as homosexual male prostitutes who are HIV positive, where use of a condom won't get them any deeper into Hell than they're already going."

Reverend Jones

It's been a whirlwind month for Reverend Terry Jones, one which has seen him rise from virtual unknown to a figure of international infamy. "Now I know how Lady Gaga feels," quips Jones, who is head of the Dove World Outreach Center. "Of course, Lady Gaga is an unholy harlot who shall be cast into the flaming pit of hell while I am just a humble man of God, but I'm sure you get my meaning. It's the fame monster. We both stand before the eyes of the world, only I stand in a nice charcoal suit from Men's Warehouse, while she brazenly stands in a birthday suit from man's whorehouse." Jones has good reason for his dazzling newfound fame, having come up with the premier religious stunt of the new millennium, 'Burn a Koran Day'. "I knew it was a great gimmick the moment I came up with the idea," says Jones, who admits that until recently he felt like a bit of a failure. "A lot of the other preachers, they have these huge congregations, while I have to be content with about fifty. But that's all going to change now. True Christians will flock to a church that proves the clarity of it's vision by burning another religion's holy book, I just know it." "I know that there are those who would condemn me, persecute me, and even try to ensure my untimely demise," admits Jones. "In fact, my stunt is more dangerous than anything Evil Kenieval ever attempted. I was doing the math the other night, and if only one out of a hundred Muslims wants to kill me, that's still fifteen million potential assassins. That's why I'm packing heat." At the moment, Jones carries a .40 Glock, which can only protect him from fifteen Muslim assassins at a time without reloading, but Jones says that he isn't worried. "Most of my congregation is armed, too, and like I said, I expect my church to grow like a wildfire after the world sees Saturday's blaze of freedom," he said hopefully. "And people will see, because anyone who attends and isn't armed with a gun is going to be armed with a video camera. No, I'm not too worried, My God and my Glock are my protection. And the YouTube. And the first amendment. It's kind of ironic. I used to be not that crazy about the first amendment, but now I can see that the founding fathers were a whole lot smarter than they looked."

Pat lashes out

Pat Robertson lashed out at the media this morning on the '700 Club' for what he called "gross negligence in the reporting of incendiary statements by America's religious leaders". Calling it a 'come to Jesus moment', he gave the media until Friday to apologize or face the prospect of being lashed again. "I'm talking about the entire media, left, right, middle, broadcast, print, and social," Robertson told co-host Terry Ann Meeuwsen. "They've all been atwitter - even on Twitter, I understand - about some rather innocuous comments made by my lesser competitor Franklin Graham on Islam last Friday. Now in one sense, I understand this. Franklin did bring the President into the conversation, so I suppose that makes it news. But it is rather small potatoes in the larger scheme of things. I've been defaming Islam for years, unlike Reverend Johnny-come-lately Graham." "On Thursday I explained right here on the '700 Club' the planned Muslim takeover of America, one city at a time. I gave as an example the small town of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where they're going to be bringing in thousands and thousands of Muslims, taking over the city counsel, and creating ordinances mandating prayer five times a day and foot washing facilities in all public restrooms. Just imagine taking your family out for a meal at a nice restaurant, and when you go to wash your hands there's a strange bearded man with his feet in a tub. Unthinkable. I then went on to explain how resistance was practically futile, because of the Muslim plan to bring in thousands of dollars of Saudi money intended to bribe local politicians to sell out their citizens." "And what was the reaction to my warning, Terry Ann? That's right, there was no reaction. None at all. Rush didn't mention me. Beck didn't mention me. Hannity didn't mention me, and quite frankly, you would have thought that would have been a gimme. I wasn't interviewed by any of the FOX shows, and I wasn't even mocked by any of the MSNBC shows. Did you see Olbermann's 'Worst People in the World' on Friday? You didn't see me, then. Not even a couple of words from the Daily Kos." "That, my friends, is a media blackout. Franklin Graham made his bland comments on the Larry King show, which has an audience of what? Thirty thousand? Everybody heard about it, but when I revealed the truth to our seven million viewers, it was like that tree that falls in the forest. You know, the one that nobody hears. I'm starting to believe that perhaps the local politicians aren't the only ones on the receiving end of those Saudi bribes. I pray that I'm wrong, Terry Ann, but if I don't get some pretty heavy coverage from the news cycle by Friday, I'm going to lash out big time."

FGAQ: Helping Pat to reach the masses.

Apostasy

I am currently obsessed with the Franklin Graham story (see below). I am hoping that the good Reverend's words are widely picked up on, and seen in the subversively evil political sense they were intended. It's not a leap of right-wing logic to move from the Obama as Muslim dog whistles to Obama as Muslim Apostate. The beauty of that conceptualization is that it is something politicians (i.e. Graham) of a certain ilk can say out loud in a reasonable tone and still sound sane. "Yes, he was born a Muslim, but at least he says that he renounced Mohammed years ago." And then you wait for your followers to gleefully make the next move. I looked around for the origin of the Obama as Apostate meme, and it seems to have originated in a piece by Defense consultant Edward Luttwak titled 'President Apostate?' which was printed in the NYT in May 2008. Here are a couple excerpts. "As the son of the Muslim father, Senator Obama was born a Muslim under Muslim law as it is universally understood. It makes no difference that, as Senator Obama has written, his father said he renounced his religion. Likewise, under Muslim law based on the Koran his mother’s Christian background is irrelevant." "His conversion, however, was a crime in Muslim eyes; it is “irtidad” or “ridda,” usually translated from the Arabic as “apostasy,” but with connotations of rebellion and treason. Indeed, it is the worst of all crimes that a Muslim can commit, worse than murder (which the victim’s family may choose to forgive). With few exceptions, the jurists of all Sunni and Shiite schools prescribe execution for all adults who leave the faith not under duress; the recommended punishment is beheading at the hands of a cleric, although in recent years there have been both stonings and hangings." "Because no government is likely to allow the prosecution of a President Obama — not even those of Iran and Saudi Arabia, the only two countries where Islamic religious courts dominate over secular law — another provision of Muslim law is perhaps more relevant: it prohibits punishment for any Muslim who kills any apostate, and effectively prohibits interference with such a killing." The Luttwak piece has been having a healthy revival over the past couple of days. No doubt. On topic: Tengrain at the excellent Mock, Paper, Scissors.

Franklin Graham clarifies

Hello, brothers and sisters, may the Lord's grace shine down upon you. I'm sure you all recognize me, don't you? Well, I understand. I tend to forget a face now and then, but I always remember a name. I'm Franklin Graham... Reverend Franklin Graham... Reverend Franklin Graham, son of the Reverend Billy Graham. There, that should be good enough for everyone but the heathens amongst you. Actually, a lot of you heathens probably know me too - you've probably got my picture on your dartboards. No? You've got my dad's? Heh, heh, I'll tell him. He's sure to get a kick out of that. The reason I wanted to speak to you is to correct some recent remarks of mine that seem to have been misinterpreted by the media. They're like that, you know. Even FOX News and all of the conservative talkers have misrepresented me, they just spin it in a different direction. It's enough to make me bite my lip. What the media wants you to believe is that I said President Obama is a Muslim. And I did, I'll admit it, although I said it in a very nuanced way which I'm afraid was not very well understood. What I said, and I'll quote myself, is that the President was born a Muslim, and that his father was a Muslim. The seed of Islam is passed through the father like the seed of Judaism is passed through the mother. Normal people, by which I mean Christians, aren't born from seeds. They are born from the union of a sperm and ovum given up by two married adults. I hope I'm not getting too technical for you, but you can find out more about this on the internet. Except for the part about the seed of Islam. That's something I once heard from an Imam, and if anyone should know, it would be him. Anyway, my point was that the President was born a Muslim, and he was give a Muslim name. That's what's known as prima facie evidence. But I also said that I believed Obama was now a Christian. You know, a few months back, he was in North Carolina, and he came to visit my dad, and we all prayed together. Of course, Dad is getting up there in age, and he always has liked to pray with presidents. But like I said, it's obvious that the president has renounced the prophet Mohammed, and he has renounced Islam, and he has accepted Jesus Christ. That's what he says he has done. So instead of condemning the President, I think we should praise him, and more importantly, pray for him. Because he's a very brave man. As a Muslim renouncing Islam, he's committed apostasy, which is a very serious offense, one that calls for the death penalty. Just saying. Luckily for him, that's Sharia law, not American law, so unless some fanatic gets it into his head that he needs to defend Islam, the President should be just fine. Well, I hope that this clears everything up, and the media doesn't try to put some crazy spin on it this time.

because it amused me

The Wall Street Journal has a profile on the return of Ted Haggard, the mega-church minister laid low by crystal meth and gay hookers. You'll be happy to know that he's got himself back together and is now a regular guy, and he has a new church. He's also become very pithy. A couple of quick quotes for you On accepting much more guilt than was absolutely necessary for his naughty adventures: "I over-repented." On changes experienced since becoming a regular guy: "I cuss now." On how people trust him more now that he's a regular guy: "It's amazing. People tell me everything. That never happened when we were respectable." As Tonto would say, "What do you mean we, kemosabe?"

Pope really sorry

Pope Benedict has sent a special letter of apology to all the Catholics of Ireland, presumably because the sensitivities of Irish Catholics were so much more offended by the church's widespread sexual abuse scandals than the less touchy Catholics in Germany, Luxemburg, or Kansas. Although touchy is probably a bad choice of words. "You have suffered grievously and I am truly sorry," the letter read in part. I know that nothing can undo the wrong you have endured. Your trust has been betrayed and your dignity has been violated. Know this, however; into every life a little rain must fall. It's not like the end of the world, and most of you will get over it if you just ask God to forgive you for your grudges." Although the papal epistle was full of mea culpas and written on the very finest Vatican stationary, there was no mention of punishment for the perverted priests involved in the scandal, nor of any corrective action beyond sending a 'special apostolic delegation' to certain undisclosed locations in Ireland. Just what this delegation would do when it got wherever it was going was also not revealed, but it is assumed that laying a guilt trip on the perpetrators would be part of the action plan, as indicated by a section of the letter addressed to the abusers, where the Pope tells them they have "forfeited the esteem of the people of Ireland and brought shame and dishonor among your confreres." Forfeiting esteem is considered one of the harshest penalties that can befall a pedophile priest. In conclusion, Benedict touched upon the spiritual pain that has afflicted many Irish Catholics. "It is understandable that you find it hard to forgive or be reconciled with the Church. In her name, I openly express the shame and remorse that we all feel. But I pray that you not believe all priests are guilty of molesting young boys. There are many who molest young girls instead."

WAR ON CHRI... never mind

A Massachusetts family's Christmas was absolutely ruined this week when they discovered that their second-grade son had not been suspended from school for drawing a delightful holiday picture of Jesus on a cross. The family, which enjoyed a good twenty-four hours of fame in the right wing media, had hoped to score some 'War on Christmas' settlement cash to help finance a very special yuletide season. Initial reports had indicated that the boy was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation and suspended, when, after being requested by the teacher to draw something that reminded him of Christmas, he naughtily came up with the crucifix. Alas, it was not so. "The school is telling me they never asked nobody to draw nothing and that my kid wasn't even suspended," said Chester Johnson, the boy's father. "Damn, I hate getting gamed by a seven year old. And don't I look the fool? I'm out there saying that I want a lump sum settlement and a full scholarship for my son, and now I'm getting sued for fraud by Bill O'Reilly." "The report was totally inaccurate," said school superintendent Julie Hackett, "although I can't fault the Johnson family for trying for a payday. I mean, it is the holiday season. But I'll tell you something, it's a good thing we don't grade on artistic ability or I'd know a little boy who was going to repeat second grade." "Ain't that the truth," says a shame-faced Thompson. "That picture is in all the papers and on the TV and now the whole world knows that my boy can't draw worth a crap. It's embarrassing. A three year old could do better work. Look at this thing, Xs for eyes, neck as long as a giraffe, and just one leg that looks like it's standing in a milkshake or something. And that cross has got to be, what, fifty feet high? My kid's got no sense of perspective, and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to doubt that it's even really Jesus. Next thing you know I'll be seeing the Virgin Mary on my pancakes. Still... I gotta wonder how much it would bring on eBay."